Sunday, December 27, 2009

Tänker På Dig (Thinking of You)

I don't know where to start. For the past few days, it's been very hard for me to breathe.I have been blogging for just a few weeks and it has been amazing. I'm able to share my thoughts to anyone who doesn't or will not even care. I have a new way of relieving stress.

This entry will be all about my stupidity. I didn't know that when I fall in love, it would be like saying that I'm committing suicide. Yeah. Sort of.

This Christmas season, I had the opportunity to talk with some of the most important guys in my life. Nate and Chuck. Siguro naman, if you have read my previous entries, you already have an idea who Nate and Chuck is and how important they are to me.

I was able to chat, first, with Nate.

Hindi pa din ako nakaka-get over sa kanya to tell you the truth. Hanggang ngayon, nahihirapan pa din ako maka-cope. Siguro nga, masyado na ako naging attached sa kanya, kahit sa maikling panahon lang kami nagkasama. I still love Nate. Madly in love with him.

The title of my entry for this day means "think of me". I think about him everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. And it would really mean much to me if he, Nate, will be able to say to me, that even for a second, or just a fraction of a second, he remembers me and thinks of me. Alam ko pinapaasa ko na naman sarili ko. Tanga ako eh. Pasensya na.

Let's continue. . .

Nate and I were able to chat, or talk, for a few minutes lang. But every second for me is like a droplet of rain, ready to fall on the face of the Sahara. Hinihintay lang, at kapag nandyan na, mabilis din mawawala pero at least may napawing init.

I told him about this blog, saying that the feeling that I get from writing is great. I don't care eventhough ang tipid niya mag-reply sa chat. At least nakikipag-usap pa siya sa akin. I told him about Chuck and I. I admitted that I'm falling with Chuck na. And we were planning to have a secret love affair, because Chuck is practically married na to his current boyfriend. Nate told me to stop, saying that it is reckless and irresponsible. Not to mention that it's gonna cause a huge scandal in our workplace if this goes out.

I agreed with Nate. I know that what I'm doing is wrong. Palagi na lang ako wrong timing pagdating sa mga bagay na patungkol sa pag-ibig.

I told Nate that I will stop this foolishness with Chuck. Sex lang daw habol sa akin ni Chuck.

I told Nate how Chuck and I are going out. Na we would go out secretly. But I've told him na we never kissed, held hands or even touched each other. I told Nate that I am falling for Chuck, but I didn't tell him if what I'm feeling for Chuck is real or not. If it's just infatuation, the real thing or if I'm just trying to get over Nate.

Nate told me to stop because he says that somehow, he has a responsibility over what's happening to me. Hindi niya daw ma-explain. He says that he cares for me and he never wants me to make decisions hastily. He wants me to think about what I will do, because if not I will regret it. He says that I should not let my heart take over my mind. Tama naman siya.

I told Nate that I'm still keeping the ring that I should be using to propose to him. He told me to keep it. He told me na, malay ko daw. Baka one day, may magbalik. Natawa na lang ako. Pinaasa ko na naman lalo ang sarili ko. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko si Nate. Alam ko tanga ako. Iniwan na nga ako ni Nate eh. Masyado syang busy sa lahat ng bagay. I told him that I still love him (I don't know if he's taking me seriously or not). I asked him if he still has feelings for me. I prepared myself for his answer, getting ready to hear something I'm hoping not to hear from him. He told me "meron naman". Safe answer. I asked him if ever he will give me another chance to get back with him. He said "I can't answer that" followed by "siguro". Safe answer. I just wish na he would answer me with either a yes or a no. Ayaw ko na umiyak. I don't want to make paasa my heart. (Yuck! Conyo!)

I told him I'm sorry for all the wrong things that I did to him. I thanked him for being there for me. I told him that I still have a lot of growing up to do. Bata pa nga din ako. Sabi nya, matigas ulo ko. Bad timing pa when it comes to my love life. Tinawanan nya ako. He he he.

He told me na umiwas na ako sa gulo. Umiwas na ako kay Chuck. When I was about to tell him that I love him and I miss talking to him, he signed out of Yahoo Messenger.

Chuck logged in to Yahoo Messenger.

I told him that what we are doing is wrong. It's unfair to his partner. I don't want to be a home wrecker. He said that from now on, he will take the reins in what's happening to us. I agreed with him. Chuck told me that he will miss talking and being with me. I told him that I will also miss him. He asked me if I'm falling for him. I told him yes. He didn't beleive me. He told me that at the most, infatuation lang daw nararamdaman ko. In the back of my mind, I told myself, baka nga. Maybe I'm just trying to slowly let go of my feelings for Nate kaya ko napagbalingan si Chuck. Anyways, he told me that he still wants to do our one-day deal.

Our one-day deal is that we will see each other when his partner is not around and do whatever we want to. As in "whatever" we want to.

He told that if we're not gonna be able to do that one-day deal, him having sex with me will just be a distant occasional fantasy. He asked a question that would really help him decide what to do. . . If we should do this or not. . . He asked me if we were to have sex, would I let him fuck me. I told him it depends. If I'll be able to do the same thing to him, then why not? (Alam ko, gago ako.) He told me that I just made his decision making diffcult and his dick, harder. What happened to him taking the reins?!?!?!

I asked him if sex lang ba talaga habol namin sa isa't-isa. He told me no. Well, when we started hanging out, it's not about sex. Actually, we just started talking about it about a couple of days ago. When we knew na hindi na kami magtatagal. We will just do it and then afterwards, tapos na kami. "Hi" at "hello" na lang sa office. That is how we're gonna end this secret love affair. He will think of me na lang daw in his fantasies for the mean time. Afterwards, we flirted until we decided to call it a night. Our final decision, I think, is that we will do it just once and then after that, friends na lang kami. . . He told me that he will miss me and he will try not to get jealous if he hears na I'm with someone else na. . . sana nga ganun mangyari. . .

Then Chuck signed out of YM.

I'm always thinking of Nate. Hoping that he would talk to me. Hoping that one day, we would get back together. Hoping that one day, I will stop hoping for things that will never be realized. I hope that one day, Nate will be able to love me back again. Just one more chance. As of this moment, I hope that he still thinks of me, spare a few seconds of his time for a person that longs for his return.

And as for Chuck, I know that he has a partner who greatly loves him and he said that he will be faithful to his #1. We both know that we are just each others number 2 eh. He loves his partner and he likes me. I love Nate and I like Chuck. Ang lakas ng tama namin noh? But we will definitely miss each other.

Think. Think. Think. Think of me. I'm thinking of you. We'll think of each other. Think. Think. Think.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Jag Vet Inte (I do not know. . .)

My love life is getting more and more complicated as time passes by. I have already told you about Nate and Chuck, right? Well, you'll get to know more about Chuck and I this time.

First, let's talk about Chuck.

Chuck and I started being friends when Nate decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore. As we chat and talk and text more often as each day goes, we started to feel something for each other. I know at this point, I'm starting to fall in love again.

Now, this is the dilemma.

Chuck decided to go back to his previous boyfriend. Chuck left his boyfriend and after a few weeks, they're back together again. . .

I guess he still loves his boyfriend.

And days gets more complicated when I'm with him.

He told me that I'm a real temptation for him. Chuck told me that eventhough he and his boyfriend are now back together, he can't stop himself from thinking of me. He wants to go out with me. Talk with me. Have sex with me. Oh my God!

I told him that what we were doing is wrong and unfair to his boyfriend.

He agreed with me.

I told him we should stop seeing each other and cut off our communication.

He agreed with me.

Then we went back on talking with each other. Flirting and all.

We can't stop ourselves from missing each other. As of this moment, the only way that we can communicate with each other is through text. We can't go out, even in private, because if someone sees us together, it's gonna cause a HUGE SCANDAL in our office!

Why?

Si Chuck at ang kanyang boyfriend ay mataas ang position sa company na pinagta-trabahuhan ko. Maraming tao ang nakakakilala sa kanila.

At ako naman ay isang model na kilala na sa office na yun. Ang hirap nga eh. Hindi ako maka-porma sa mga nagugustuhan ko kasi maraming tao ang nakakakilala sa akin, eventhough they don't know my name. Alam kong madaming chismis ang nagre-revolve sa akin sa office namin. Pero di naman ako affected. I'll only be affected once nadadamay na yung mga taong I care for.

Going back. . .

We still text each other. See each other. Talk with each other. Want to spend more time with each other. All in done in secret.

He told me that the time will come that just talking with me wouldn't be enough for him. I asked him what does he mean. He starting to have sexual feelings towards me. I told him that I also want to do it with him. I told him he should tell me when he's free so that we can have our own private time.

Maybe the time will come na we'll be aware of what Chuck and I are doing. And when that time comes that we have to live without each other, I'll be sad and I'll miss him.

I know its wrong. I'm confused. Lagi na lang ako bad timing sa mga napupusuan ko. Ang hirap.

Gabayan nyo po ako, Ama.

Ayoko po makapanakit ng kahit sino. I'm just trying to be happy.

*************************

P.S.

I still love Nate :-(

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Jag är förvirrad. . . (I'm Confused)

For the past few days, I have been trying to get over this guy that I fell in love with. Mahirap. Super.

Right now, someone, well, actually the guy friend in my previous post, La Meme Histoire, has been going out with me. From now on, we will call him Chuck. Complicated din ang buhay pag-ibig nya.

Bakit ganun? Lahat na lang yata ng nadadatnan ko, complicated ang mga previous relationships!?!?!?!

anyways

Weeks after Nate and I "broke up", he has been hearing chismis in our office na Chuck and I were dating. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling yun. During that time, Chuck and I were not even friends at that moment and we never see each other. . . Until we became close just recently. . .

Hindi pa din ako nakaka-move on kay Nate. . . even while typing this blog entry. . .

I know I have been flirting with Chuck for the past few days now, weeks after Nate and I "broke up". Even up to this day. I don't know if I am falling in love again or if it's just infatuation. Chuck told me that he likes me. We never kissed, held hands or hugged each other. Well, sa text lang namin nagagawa yun. Hahaha!

I enjoy being with Chuck. We enjoy each others company. We like hanging out. He told me that he is having feelings for me na. . .

Now, this is the problem. . .

I feel like a slut. Hindi pa ako nakaka-move on kay Nate tapos ine-entertain ko na naman ang isa pang lalaki?!?!? I think its kinda unfair for Chuck. But then again, I know that my feelings for Chuck are steadily growing. Am I just cheating on myself and cheating on Chuck?

When I told Chuck that I still have feelings for Nate, he was surprised. I just told Chuck that we will never talk about Nate anymore. He understood that. But at the back of my mind, I still hope that Nate and I will be together soon. . .

Am I just using Chuck just to get over Nate? I love Nate. I'm starting to fall for Chuck. Nate doesn't want commitment as of this moment and he is super busy. Chuck wants to spend more time with me. Nate has been talking with me and willing to go out with me on a date. Chuck has been talking with me and willing to go out on a date with me. Nate wants friendship. Chuck wants to start a relationship.

I still love Nate.

I'm starting to fall for Chuck.


Please help me, Heavenly Father!



Pouvez-vous, s'il vous plaît, aidez Gaspard. . .

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Och Nu, Jag är Mållös (And Now, I am Speechless)

Before this conversation happened, he told me to move on already. He said that I have a set of boys anyways who are willing to have a relationship with me . . . And it hurts that it came from his mouth. . .


**************************


I tried to text him after what I found out after I read his blog. I was really hurt.

And I still miss him. And I still love him.

He was explaining the things that he wrote on that blog. He told me he doesn't care if I will believe him. Honestly, I really don't care about the things that he wrote on that blog. He will be the same Nate that I've met months ago. The same person that I love.

The following conversation happened through text.

I asked him if we could still be friends after everything that happened between us. He told me that we can be friends. We said sorry to each other. I wished him good luck with his partner and I told him that I really wish him happiness with that person. I asked him if I could attend their wedding. He told me that he broke off with his partner. . .

I was surprised when he said that. Was he saying the truth? I really don't know. I just don't want to set my hopes up again.

I tried to be as casual as possible but my emotions for him gets the best of me. I said that I love him. And I miss him. Everyday. I asked him if there would be a chance for us, getting back together and continue what we started. He told me that he is not ready yet for a new relationship. He's busy with everything. I understood that. I believed him.




It still hurts. . . but Nate is now, somehow, talking to me.

well, not really

we only talked recently

through mobile phones



We saw each other at a Christmas party. We just saw each other. As in super saglit lang. Wala ngang "hi" or "hello" man lang eh. But at least, we were smiling at each other. He made my night complete.

Nili-link nya pa ako sa naging close friend ko (yung nasa "La Meme Histoire"). Sabi nya boylet ko yun at may gusto daw ako sa friend ko na yun. Dinaan ko na lang sa tawa ang sagot ko. He still doesn't get that it's hard for me to move on. Eventhough there are guys out there, like in our office, who's willing to go out with me, I wouldn't bother looking at them. If I will go out and date someone, I would feel like Im cheating on him. . . alam ko wala na kami or if kung naging kami nga, pero that it what I would feel. . .

He told me to tell him if I will have SUN na, aside from my Globe number. I told him yes. The same number that I never give to anyone else aside from him.

When I inserted that sim card into my phone, my mobile phone rang immediately. It was Nate calling. We talked for only a few minutes, but for me, it seemed like an eternity. I thanked him for what he was doing. And he thanked me too. We said sorry to each other. As of this moment, he can't face me pa rin daw. Well, for me, I'll just wait. . . like what I always do. . . and I know I'm good at it. Before we ended that conversation, I told him I love him and I miss him so much. And we hung up.



Now, he is gonna make his blog private. Maybe he doesn't want me to read them anymore. I don't really care what he writes in that blog. As long as he is happy, I'm happy.




I'll never love someone that much again. . .







Alam ko pinapaasa ko na lang sarili ko

dun ako masaya eh

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

En Sista Dans (One Last Dance)

I just have to wait. . .



one last dance. . .




and I'm done . . .




watch out for my next entry!

**********************************

I'm still not used to blogging

but

its kinda fun


I have an outlet. . . hehehe

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Samma Historia (The Same Story)

I have to start all over again. . . My computer crashed and all of my files were deleted. . . I was half way through this post, however, for some reason, my computer stopped responding. . . and voila. . . I lost what I was typing. . .

My name in this world is gonna be Gaspard. I will tell you why in my next entry. . .

You might be wondering why this blog is called "Paper.Ink.Number.Wine.Leather Jacket". . .

This blog has been inspired by a man who I really love. He is a real blogger and he has a lot of followers already. He posted something on his blog that was really big for me. I'll never forget him. For me, he is an inspiration. . .

And in case you are reading this right now, I thank you. . . And I still love you. . .

So let me start from the beginning

This all happened in a span of 3 months. . . This year. . . 2009



I was actually looking for a job then when I met him. Let's call him by his blogger name, Nate. . . Honestly, I wasn't really into him when I first saw him. . . well, probably because I am, I mean, I was straight. . .

From Alabang, I went to Ayala to apply for a job. Actually, my parents were not really thrilled when I told them that I will be looking for a job. They expected me to finish school first. . . I was 19 years old then. . . I didn't really enjoy my college education because first of all, I was not really into my course and instead of just wasting money on subjects na hindi ko naman talaga gusto, I quit school. Now, I'm saving money for myself and someday, go abroad and continue schooling there. . .

anyways. . . going back. . .

I wasn't really looking for love. . . everything just happened. . . I guess, it was the time that I was meant to experience what's it like to fall in love. . . Aminado ako, single since birth ako. . . HAHAHA!

again . . .

I met him in that company and everything was just casual, until the time that we started to text each other. I wasn't really into texting. Tahimik lang ako at hindi masyado nakikipag-socialize. When he first texted me, he was trying to know more about me. Well, I told him that I do some modelling and I had TVCs and print ads before na. I really thought this guy is interesting. But I never thought that I will fall in love with him. . .

In my job, I'm used to seeing people that are good looking, both women and men, but they never really stirred my interest. . . Maybe because I think I was really young and there are a lot of things going on for me. . .

He was really sweet and kind and understanding. . . and not to mention, also goodlooking (ayan na! lumalandi na ako!)

I was really shocked when I found out that he's gay. I mean, mas lalaki pa kasi sya kumilos kesa sa akin! We promised each other that that secret will be just between the two of us. . . I said I will keep my word. . .

Then came the point that he was asking me out on a date. . . well, I was not really sure at first because we're both guys and I knew then that I was still a heterosexual man. . . My bad. . . I was falling for him na pala. . . Everytime we're together, I feel that everything around me disappears and he is the only person that I know. . . Its like remembering someone you have not yet met before. . .

cheesy. . .

Since we're really discreet about our sexuality, we kinda go out in private. . . we would go to malls and hope no one will see us together (which turned out to be a mistake because I'm already a target of chismis sa office na yun. . . ang gwapo ko kasi. . . .hahahahahahhhahahahah). We would always buy chocolates and ice creams, two of my most favorite things in the world. . . We would watch movies and we would eat at restaurants and spend hours sitting on a chair at coffee shops talking about life and families and his previous relationships. . . From then on, I knew that I was no longer a child anymore. . . I have been exposed to love. . . My VERY FIRST teenage love affair. . . at 19 years old?!?!?!

I told him that I was starting to fall for him. And not too long after that, I gave in and I told him that I really love him. He said that he loves me too. . . ( ang complicated ng lovelife nya eh. . . He was in a bad relationship and he and his ex didn't really have any closure yet. . . he told me that he was just waiting for his ex to leave the country and from there, we could go out and be official na daw). . .

I made sure that my feelings for him were sure. I know that I never felt this way before. I even questioned my own sexuality.

And we all know that if it is love, if its not rough, it is not fun. . . hehehe. . .

My hit a few bumps on the way in that short span of time. . . but it wasn't really that big. . . everything is gonna be good after we say sorry to each other. . . haaaay. . .

I love everything about him. I knew at that point, I have met an angel. . .

I agreed to make love with him. . . my very first. . . I was really nervous and he noticed that. He made me comfortable. He kissed me. I felt his soul when he did that. It was one of the best times of my life. . . He was a real gentleman and he taught me things that I never thought that I'd be doing. . . I like it when he moans . . . hehehe . . . I like the way he embraces me and hugs me. . . The way he kisses me . . . I was his. . . ( May sinat ako nung ginawa namin yun. . . after we made love, I had to drink medicine agad. . . when I went home, nilagnat ako. . . hahahaha)

We would talk for only minutes and I have to wait, sometimes for 5 hours, just to say "hi" or ask him how his day has been going. Sometimes, I would go to our office 2 hours before my shift just to say goodbye to him when he's gonna go home na. . . everything was worth it. . . I'm happy just to see him smile. He always makes my day.

Everything was going on smoothly until he decided to break things up. . . He told me that he is too busy and he can no longer keep up with my demands. . . I understood that. . . I just had to step down. . . He told me that he realized that up to this point, he's till not yet ready for a new relationship. . . He told me all of those things THROUGH TEXT.

I was really devastated. . . Hindi na ako makapag-isip ng matino. I wasn't able to focus at work. I didn't even thought of eating (matakaw kaya ako sa pagkain!) I was questioning and doubting myself, asking if I was worth loving. I was really young. He was my everything. He told me he loved me. I believed him.





Then, I messed things up even more. . . .






I was really overwhelmed by what was happening. I wasn't able to think clearly and during that time, I had met a friend, let's call him Chuck, that I became really close to. I told him everything that had happened to me, including my love life. I mentioned Nate's name. (scroll up and read that paragraph again). I promised Nate that I will not tell anything about him to any other person. . . And I broke my promise. . . I hated myself. . . then he told me that he was trying to fix things up with me tapos ganun pa daw ginawa ko sa kanya. . . I told him that I didn't mean to do that. . .

Nagpadala ako sa emotions ko. . . I know I'm stupid. I know he hates me now. I know that I deserve all of that. . .

From then on, he never talked to me again. I was trying to apologize to him personally, but he doesn't want to see me. . . I was foolish. I was immature. I was in love. . .

**************************************************

He posted something about what happened in his blog. I wasn't shocked that a lot of people hated me after what I did to Nate. . . But then, the things that he wrote there hurt me the most. . .

He wrote there that falling in love with me was a mistake. He wrote there that there's no point in fixing things up with me daw kasi he's already committed to his partner. . . So all this time pala, while we were dating, he was just playing around. . . Saying that he loves me eventhough he's not gonna take me seriously . . . I loved him. . .

I told him that even before I told someone else about his sexuality, he had a way of hurting me na pala. Umaasa lang pala ako the whole time. What I felt for him was something real. Up to this point, as I am typing this, I am still madly in love with him. I lost myself in the process of loving someone too much. . .


I asked him if he really loved me. He told me that he did love me. Ganun na pala ngayon. . . Kapag mahal mo pala ang isang tao, you will let them go through text. Kaya pala ang dali nya ako ilaglag. . .











I know that he hates me for what I did to him. I love him. And I will accept the fact that the only way that I could love him is on my own. . .

I never expected him to talk to me anymore. . . I wished him all the best. . . I truly wish him happiness and I do hope that he and his partner will last. I would never want to see him get hurt again. . . He doesn't deserve that. . .

And to you, Nate, I love you. . .

I miss you everyday. . .

Goodbye. . .



******************************************


As I am typing this entry, I'm wearing the ring that I was supposed to give him before my birthday this year. I was supposed to propose to him, and be his boyfriend or his partner. I made a video for him. My plan was to send it to him via multiply and after he watches the video, text or call me once we're ready to commit to each other so that I can give him that ring.






That "time" never came. . .







I still sent the video to him even after he let me down.

I was still hoping, up to this day, that some miracle would happen. . .

I know I'm just making it hard for myself. . .

I just want to be happy. . . and that "hope" makes me happy. . .

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Model in That Blog

This will be my very first entry to the blogging world. I did this to vent out my feelings and remain anonymous. This blog is dedicated to the person who inspired me to blog.

I am the model in that blog. . . Yes, that blog. . . That blog already has a lot of readers anyways. . . I guess he is really a good writer/blogger. . .

Anyways, this blog will be my life. . . I will share everything in this blog. . . My very own diary. . . My journal. . .

Feel free to comment. . .

Bye for now. . .

XP