I have to start all over again. . . My computer crashed and all of my files were deleted. . . I was half way through this post, however, for some reason, my computer stopped responding. . . and voila. . . I lost what I was typing. . .
My name in this world is gonna be Gaspard. I will tell you why in my next entry. . .
You might be wondering why this blog is called "Paper.Ink.Number.Wine.Leather Jacket". . .
This blog has been inspired by a man who I really love. He is a real blogger and he has a lot of followers already. He posted something on his blog that was really big for me. I'll never forget him. For me, he is an inspiration. . .
And in case you are reading this right now, I thank you. . . And I still love you. . .
So let me start from the beginning
This all happened in a span of 3 months. . . This year. . . 2009
I was actually looking for a job then when I met him. Let's call him by his blogger name, Nate. . . Honestly, I wasn't really into him when I first saw him. . . well, probably because I am, I mean, I was straight. . .
From Alabang, I went to Ayala to apply for a job. Actually, my parents were not really thrilled when I told them that I will be looking for a job. They expected me to finish school first. . . I was 19 years old then. . . I didn't really enjoy my college education because first of all, I was not really into my course and instead of just wasting money on subjects na hindi ko naman talaga gusto, I quit school. Now, I'm saving money for myself and someday, go abroad and continue schooling there. . .
anyways. . . going back. . .
I wasn't really looking for love. . . everything just happened. . . I guess, it was the time that I was meant to experience what's it like to fall in love. . . Aminado ako, single since birth ako. . . HAHAHA!
again . . .
I met him in that company and everything was just casual, until the time that we started to text each other. I wasn't really into texting. Tahimik lang ako at hindi masyado nakikipag-socialize. When he first texted me, he was trying to know more about me. Well, I told him that I do some modelling and I had TVCs and print ads before na. I really thought this guy is interesting. But I never thought that I will fall in love with him. . .
In my job, I'm used to seeing people that are good looking, both women and men, but they never really stirred my interest. . . Maybe because I think I was really young and there are a lot of things going on for me. . .
He was really sweet and kind and understanding. . . and not to mention, also goodlooking (ayan na! lumalandi na ako!)
I was really shocked when I found out that he's gay. I mean, mas lalaki pa kasi sya kumilos kesa sa akin! We promised each other that that secret will be just between the two of us. . . I said I will keep my word. . .
Then came the point that he was asking me out on a date. . . well, I was not really sure at first because we're both guys and I knew then that I was still a heterosexual man. . . My bad. . . I was falling for him na pala. . . Everytime we're together, I feel that everything around me disappears and he is the only person that I know. . . Its like remembering someone you have not yet met before. . .
cheesy. . .
Since we're really discreet about our sexuality, we kinda go out in private. . . we would go to malls and hope no one will see us together (which turned out to be a mistake because I'm already a target of chismis sa office na yun. . . ang gwapo ko kasi. . . .hahahahahahhhahahahah). We would always buy chocolates and ice creams, two of my most favorite things in the world. . . We would watch movies and we would eat at restaurants and spend hours sitting on a chair at coffee shops talking about life and families and his previous relationships. . . From then on, I knew that I was no longer a child anymore. . . I have been exposed to love. . . My VERY FIRST teenage love affair. . . at 19 years old?!?!?!
I told him that I was starting to fall for him. And not too long after that, I gave in and I told him that I really love him. He said that he loves me too. . . ( ang complicated ng lovelife nya eh. . . He was in a bad relationship and he and his ex didn't really have any closure yet. . . he told me that he was just waiting for his ex to leave the country and from there, we could go out and be official na daw). . .
I made sure that my feelings for him were sure. I know that I never felt this way before. I even questioned my own sexuality.
And we all know that if it is love, if its not rough, it is not fun. . . hehehe. . .
My hit a few bumps on the way in that short span of time. . . but it wasn't really that big. . . everything is gonna be good after we say sorry to each other. . . haaaay. . .
I love everything about him. I knew at that point, I have met an angel. . .
I agreed to make love with him. . . my very first. . . I was really nervous and he noticed that. He made me comfortable. He kissed me. I felt his soul when he did that. It was one of the best times of my life. . . He was a real gentleman and he taught me things that I never thought that I'd be doing. . . I like it when he moans . . . hehehe . . . I like the way he embraces me and hugs me. . . The way he kisses me . . . I was his. . . ( May sinat ako nung ginawa namin yun. . . after we made love, I had to drink medicine agad. . . when I went home, nilagnat ako. . . hahahaha)
We would talk for only minutes and I have to wait, sometimes for 5 hours, just to say "hi" or ask him how his day has been going. Sometimes, I would go to our office 2 hours before my shift just to say goodbye to him when he's gonna go home na. . . everything was worth it. . . I'm happy just to see him smile. He always makes my day.
Everything was going on smoothly until he decided to break things up. . . He told me that he is too busy and he can no longer keep up with my demands. . . I understood that. . . I just had to step down. . . He told me that he realized that up to this point, he's till not yet ready for a new relationship. . . He told me all of those things THROUGH TEXT.
I was really devastated. . . Hindi na ako makapag-isip ng matino. I wasn't able to focus at work. I didn't even thought of eating (matakaw kaya ako sa pagkain!) I was questioning and doubting myself, asking if I was worth loving. I was really young. He was my everything. He told me he loved me. I believed him.
Then, I messed things up even more. . . .
I was really overwhelmed by what was happening. I wasn't able to think clearly and during that time, I had met a friend, let's call him Chuck, that I became really close to. I told him everything that had happened to me, including my love life. I mentioned Nate's name. (scroll up and read that paragraph again). I promised Nate that I will not tell anything about him to any other person. . . And I broke my promise. . . I hated myself. . . then he told me that he was trying to fix things up with me tapos ganun pa daw ginawa ko sa kanya. . . I told him that I didn't mean to do that. . .
Nagpadala ako sa emotions ko. . . I know I'm stupid. I know he hates me now. I know that I deserve all of that. . .
From then on, he never talked to me again. I was trying to apologize to him personally, but he doesn't want to see me. . . I was foolish. I was immature. I was in love. . .
He posted something about what happened in his blog. I wasn't shocked that a lot of people hated me after what I did to Nate. . . But then, the things that he wrote there hurt me the most. . .
He wrote there that falling in love with me was a mistake. He wrote there that there's no point in fixing things up with me daw kasi he's already committed to his partner. . . So all this time pala, while we were dating, he was just playing around. . . Saying that he loves me eventhough he's not gonna take me seriously . . . I loved him. . .
I told him that even before I told someone else about his sexuality, he had a way of hurting me na pala. Umaasa lang pala ako the whole time. What I felt for him was something real. Up to this point, as I am typing this, I am still madly in love with him. I lost myself in the process of loving someone too much. . .
I asked him if he really loved me. He told me that he did love me. Ganun na pala ngayon. . . Kapag mahal mo pala ang isang tao, you will let them go through text. Kaya pala ang dali nya ako ilaglag. . .
I know that he hates me for what I did to him. I love him. And I will accept the fact that the only way that I could love him is on my own. . .
I never expected him to talk to me anymore. . . I wished him all the best. . . I truly wish him happiness and I do hope that he and his partner will last. I would never want to see him get hurt again. . . He doesn't deserve that. . .
And to you, Nate, I love you. . .
I miss you everyday. . .
Goodbye. . .
As I am typing this entry, I'm wearing the ring that I was supposed to give him before my birthday this year. I was supposed to propose to him, and be his boyfriend or his partner. I made a video for him. My plan was to send it to him via multiply and after he watches the video, text or call me once we're ready to commit to each other so that I can give him that ring.
That "time" never came. . .
I still sent the video to him even after he let me down.
I was still hoping, up to this day, that some miracle would happen. . .
I know I'm just making it hard for myself. . .
I just want to be happy. . . and that "hope" makes me happy. . .