I don't know where to start. For the past few days, it's been very hard for me to breathe.I have been blogging for just a few weeks and it has been amazing. I'm able to share my thoughts to anyone who doesn't or will not even care. I have a new way of relieving stress.
This entry will be all about my stupidity. I didn't know that when I fall in love, it would be like saying that I'm committing suicide. Yeah. Sort of.
This Christmas season, I had the opportunity to talk with some of the most important guys in my life. Nate and Chuck. Siguro naman, if you have read my previous entries, you already have an idea who Nate and Chuck is and how important they are to me.
I was able to chat, first, with Nate.
Hindi pa din ako nakaka-get over sa kanya to tell you the truth. Hanggang ngayon, nahihirapan pa din ako maka-cope. Siguro nga, masyado na ako naging attached sa kanya, kahit sa maikling panahon lang kami nagkasama. I still love Nate. Madly in love with him.
The title of my entry for this day means "think of me". I think about him everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. And it would really mean much to me if he, Nate, will be able to say to me, that even for a second, or just a fraction of a second, he remembers me and thinks of me. Alam ko pinapaasa ko na naman sarili ko. Tanga ako eh. Pasensya na.
Let's continue. . .
Nate and I were able to chat, or talk, for a few minutes lang. But every second for me is like a droplet of rain, ready to fall on the face of the Sahara. Hinihintay lang, at kapag nandyan na, mabilis din mawawala pero at least may napawing init.
I told him about this blog, saying that the feeling that I get from writing is great. I don't care eventhough ang tipid niya mag-reply sa chat. At least nakikipag-usap pa siya sa akin. I told him about Chuck and I. I admitted that I'm falling with Chuck na. And we were planning to have a secret love affair, because Chuck is practically married na to his current boyfriend. Nate told me to stop, saying that it is reckless and irresponsible. Not to mention that it's gonna cause a huge scandal in our workplace if this goes out.
I agreed with Nate. I know that what I'm doing is wrong. Palagi na lang ako wrong timing pagdating sa mga bagay na patungkol sa pag-ibig.
I told Nate that I will stop this foolishness with Chuck. Sex lang daw habol sa akin ni Chuck.
I told Nate how Chuck and I are going out. Na we would go out secretly. But I've told him na we never kissed, held hands or even touched each other. I told Nate that I am falling for Chuck, but I didn't tell him if what I'm feeling for Chuck is real or not. If it's just infatuation, the real thing or if I'm just trying to get over Nate.
Nate told me to stop because he says that somehow, he has a responsibility over what's happening to me. Hindi niya daw ma-explain. He says that he cares for me and he never wants me to make decisions hastily. He wants me to think about what I will do, because if not I will regret it. He says that I should not let my heart take over my mind. Tama naman siya.
I told Nate that I'm still keeping the ring that I should be using to propose to him. He told me to keep it. He told me na, malay ko daw. Baka one day, may magbalik. Natawa na lang ako. Pinaasa ko na naman lalo ang sarili ko. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko si Nate. Alam ko tanga ako. Iniwan na nga ako ni Nate eh. Masyado syang busy sa lahat ng bagay. I told him that I still love him (I don't know if he's taking me seriously or not). I asked him if he still has feelings for me. I prepared myself for his answer, getting ready to hear something I'm hoping not to hear from him. He told me "meron naman". Safe answer. I asked him if ever he will give me another chance to get back with him. He said "I can't answer that" followed by "siguro". Safe answer. I just wish na he would answer me with either a yes or a no. Ayaw ko na umiyak. I don't want to make paasa my heart. (Yuck! Conyo!)
I told him I'm sorry for all the wrong things that I did to him. I thanked him for being there for me. I told him that I still have a lot of growing up to do. Bata pa nga din ako. Sabi nya, matigas ulo ko. Bad timing pa when it comes to my love life. Tinawanan nya ako. He he he.
He told me na umiwas na ako sa gulo. Umiwas na ako kay Chuck. When I was about to tell him that I love him and I miss talking to him, he signed out of Yahoo Messenger.
Chuck logged in to Yahoo Messenger.
I told him that what we are doing is wrong. It's unfair to his partner. I don't want to be a home wrecker. He said that from now on, he will take the reins in what's happening to us. I agreed with him. Chuck told me that he will miss talking and being with me. I told him that I will also miss him. He asked me if I'm falling for him. I told him yes. He didn't beleive me. He told me that at the most, infatuation lang daw nararamdaman ko. In the back of my mind, I told myself, baka nga. Maybe I'm just trying to slowly let go of my feelings for Nate kaya ko napagbalingan si Chuck. Anyways, he told me that he still wants to do our one-day deal.
Our one-day deal is that we will see each other when his partner is not around and do whatever we want to. As in "whatever" we want to.
He told that if we're not gonna be able to do that one-day deal, him having sex with me will just be a distant occasional fantasy. He asked a question that would really help him decide what to do. . . If we should do this or not. . . He asked me if we were to have sex, would I let him fuck me. I told him it depends. If I'll be able to do the same thing to him, then why not? (Alam ko, gago ako.) He told me that I just made his decision making diffcult and his dick, harder. What happened to him taking the reins?!?!?!
I asked him if sex lang ba talaga habol namin sa isa't-isa. He told me no. Well, when we started hanging out, it's not about sex. Actually, we just started talking about it about a couple of days ago. When we knew na hindi na kami magtatagal. We will just do it and then afterwards, tapos na kami. "Hi" at "hello" na lang sa office. That is how we're gonna end this secret love affair. He will think of me na lang daw in his fantasies for the mean time. Afterwards, we flirted until we decided to call it a night. Our final decision, I think, is that we will do it just once and then after that, friends na lang kami. . . He told me that he will miss me and he will try not to get jealous if he hears na I'm with someone else na. . . sana nga ganun mangyari. . .
Then Chuck signed out of YM.
I'm always thinking of Nate. Hoping that he would talk to me. Hoping that one day, we would get back together. Hoping that one day, I will stop hoping for things that will never be realized. I hope that one day, Nate will be able to love me back again. Just one more chance. As of this moment, I hope that he still thinks of me, spare a few seconds of his time for a person that longs for his return.
And as for Chuck, I know that he has a partner who greatly loves him and he said that he will be faithful to his #1. We both know that we are just each others number 2 eh. He loves his partner and he likes me. I love Nate and I like Chuck. Ang lakas ng tama namin noh? But we will definitely miss each other.
Think. Think. Think. Think of me. I'm thinking of you. We'll think of each other. Think. Think. Think.