Thursday, January 28, 2010

Why?

Why do you have to make it so hard for me to move on? Lalo na kapag sinasabi mo na baka may magbalik sa akin? I don't want to do this anymore. I know that you still love your ex.

It's him that you miss. Not me.

I could never compete with him.

Please. You're the first one who gave up on me.

You never gave me the chance to make it up to you.

You know that I still love you with all my heart.

I love you, Nate.

Im begging you. Please. Huwag mo na ako paasahin.

Im trying my best to get over you. It's very hard for me to do that, you know.

It pains me when you say na "baka may magbalik".

Naguguluhan na talaga ako.

Sana magkausap man lang tayo ng personal.

Please. Im begging you.

I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

Should I wait for you, eventhough it hurts me inside that you love someone else? Please, I hope we could talk. . .

Friday, January 22, 2010

An Open Letter . . . Nate. . .

I really don't know how to start this one. Sigh.

Well, this entry is really for you, Nate. Hopefully, I can sum up everything I need to tell you in this one entry.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Actually, about what happened between us, and what is happening to me.

To begin with, I really wanted to tell you that I, still, am in love with you. I know its been a very long time since we really went out with each other, kissed each other, said "I love you" with each other. But for some reason, I really can't get over you.

I have been very happy with how things are going between us, our friendship.


I do not want to tell you these things personally because I think it might make you go away even farther, so that's why I'm just gonna type it in my blog. Hopefully, you'll be able to read this one.

I was very happy during the time we were hanging out with each other. I still miss your company. I miss the way you hold my hand. The way you laugh. Your smell after your done smoking. How you smile. How you kiss. How you took me seriously. To tell you the truth, people just see me as an eye candy. A person without any substance. You made me feel very special. Someone that you would care for. I thank you for that.

I still remember the day that you clearly said that you love me. Finally, I was comfortable dating another guy. Being in love with a guy. The moment that we kissed is really special for me. For one moment, my eyes sparkled with glee. I knew I was gay.

I loved seeing you everyday. Being with you everyday. We made promises to each other. And I guess those promises that I made keeps me from moving on, after you have left me. Another sigh.

When you told me that you were really busy and you could not keep up with my demands, I was really shocked. My feelings crashed. I broke down. Crap. I kept that text by the way. You decided to let me off through text. I would have really felt that you were sincere kung kinausap mo ako ng masinsinan. Personal. But you didn't. I was thinking about the things that I might have done to you, that caused you to suddenly drop me off through text. Yeah. I really did somethings wrong.

I still remember what you said to me when we were starting to fall for each other. "Sana hindi ka magsawa sa akin."

I told you that you're the first guy I've fallen in love with. You told me that hopefully, I will be your last.

We even had plans for each other. Plans of living together.

I was really positive that our relationship will grow even stronger as time goes.

You told me that you just got off from a really bad relationship. You cared for me that's why you set rules for me, on when to text you, see you etc... I asked you if you still had feelings with you ex. You referred to him as your ex. You said wala na. Then you gave me a link to a blog. I've read that. I hated the fact the he hurt you, physically and emotionally. Lalo na nung nakita ko na may pasa ka sa mga braso mo. Gusto ko sugurin ang tarantadong yun. You told me to just let it go. We should be peace loving.

Days flew by. Each day that I spent with you, each minute, my feelings for you grew stronger.

I knew that you were really stressed sa work mo. You know that I'll be willing to do anything naman para sayo. Just to rid the stress out of you. I wanted to make you smile and laugh everytime because I like the way your eyes disappear. I hate it when you skip meals. I don't like it when you smoke. I'm having fun right now, remembering those odd things. Hehe.

I miss your hugs. I miss your voice. I miss you. Badly.

Going back... When you told me that you have no time for me, and you decided to break things off with me, you gave my mind a really hard time. It came to a point that I had no one else to talk to, and I vented all of my feelings to a person a just knew, and that was Chuck. I broke that promise, Nate. I really was sorry on how stupid I was for letting my emotions get ahead of my judgment.

I'm really thankful that your starting to talk with me again.

Now this are the things that I really need to ask you. I know I can't ask you these questions personally. If ever you're gonna meet me and answer these, I would really appreciate it if you would be as honest as possible.

If you really cared for me, or even loved me, why did you have to let me off sa text lang? That was something really important for me. Did you really have any real feelings for me? When I disrespected you, I really wanted to talk to you. Apologize. I knew that if ever I'll be able to talk with you, I'll be able to explain...

I was browsing the web. I remembered the link that you gave me. Your blog. I've read that entry. You listed me down as one of your mistakes. One of your mistakes. Falling in love with me was just a mistake. Ouch.

I remember trying to fix the promise that I broke, about telling someone about you. You told me that there will be no point in fighting for me, kung mga simpleng bagay nga hindi ko magawa. I really wanted to apologize personally, explain, how I became really stupid. I knew I deserved to be punished.

You were really mad at me. I know you wanted to hurt me physically.

Some days went by. I was, again browsing the web. I checked the link that you gave me. Another mistake. This time, I found that same entry, but on a different blog.

I really wasn't expecting to find out that it was you.

You wrote some things there that were really low blows. You wrote there that there was no point in fixing things up with me kasi you're committed with your partner pa din pala. Long distance relationship. All those time, umaasa lang pala ako sayo.

You wrote there that after what I did, you will never take me back. Saying that you lost a friend, pero hindi ka nanghihinayang. So friend lang pala ako. I thought we were lovers na nga eh. Friends don't say "I love you" with each other. Friends don't kiss each other on the lips. Heck! Friends don't have sex with each other. You wrote there that it was not your fault that I fell in love with you because you were just being yourself. So, being yourself means saying you love someone, eventhough hindi naman talaga?

What you wrote there was really one sided. Lumabas na isa akong baklang malandi na basta basta na lang sinisigaw ang mga balitang nasasagap. Another ouch. But you were right that it was your blog and you have each and every right to write anything there. I agreed with you.

I have read that some of your former boyfriends did really nasty things to you. Kahit na harap harapan ka na niloloko, you still gave them chances. You gave them a chance because you loved them. Please stop me from thinking that you didn't really love me. Please. I called you once, asking for another chance to make it up to you. Right now, I'm begging you to give me another chance.

I texted you when I've read the things in the blog that I just discovered. I think that was the only time that you replied back, after the "disrespecting-your-privacy" situation. I told you that I was really hurt. I can't help but think that the reason why you just talked with me is because I've found that secret blog of yours. I think if I hadn't read that blog, hindi mo na ako kakausapin.

I told you that if you were thinking of hurting me, you don't have to do anything na kasi you hurt me using the words on that blog. Yup. I was the model in that blog. Your blog.

I really wanted to ask you a lot of things. Para matahimik na ang isip ko. You blogged that happiness is a choice. The only way that I can be happy is if you can be finally be honest with me.

The reason why I wanted to ask you out for a dinner is because I wanted to talk with you. Ask you questions. Pero you had plans pala that day. It would have been better kung hindi mo na lang ako sinipot ng araw na yun.

Then I asked you nga na kung sana, may next time pa tayo. Hindi ka naman nag-reply. I was really hoping that we can have some form of "closure". Pero I was kidding myself lang pala. Naging friends lang nga pala tayo.

I really want you to be honest with me. I know that you will never come back to me. All I'm asking for is honesty.









"Sana huwag ka mag-sawa sa akin."

"Gagawa tayo ng blog para for each day of our love, we're gonna write a blog entry."

"Saan mo gusto magkaroon ng bahay? Yung realistic ha! Hindi naman yung sa Forbes ah!"

"Aylabyu"

"Wru?"

"I'm so proud of you!"

"I love you more!"





I wish I could say some of those things to you again. . .

























I love you


I'm still in love with you


I miss you


I want to have you back. . .


Please.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Ang aking tinatapos. . .

Konti na lang. . .

Malapit ko na matapos ang ginagawa kong katangahan. . .

Ang huling entry para sa kanya. . . I think. . .

Bahala na. . .

I still need to edit that one

Insert a few words, or fifty

Then I'll post it

I hate myself

_________________________________

I really wanted to ask him this question. . .

What would he feel if he's the one who's going through this?

I want to hear him answer that. . . I really do. . .

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Le Marais





Why my name is Gaspard. . .

Förväntningar Och Verklighet (Expectations and Reality)

If your gonna start reading this, make sure that you finish reading this entry up to the last paragraph.
____________________________________________________

Nate and I went out this day. I was really excited, as you may well know. You see, it's the first time Nate and I will be going out since that "thing" happened between us. Honestly, I was really thankful that we can still hang out with each other. I really miss his voice, the way he smiles, the way he looks at me. Everything. I really appreciated the fact that eventhough he's sick the previous day, he still managed to come and go out with me. Luckily, I was able to sleep after going out of the office. I felt really tired, but no, I can't sleep because I'm soooooo excited for our dinner.

I went to Makati at around 7pm and we met at Greenbelt. He looks so good that night. And he brought me some chocolates! Yummy! Everything made me think that tonight is gonna be a magical night. (Chessy) I looked like hell, I think. I really wasn't able to sleep well. But anyways, I told him that I missed hanging out with him. I mean going out on dates. He asked me where should we eat. I was in the mood for pizza and pasta and so we went to an Italian restaurant.

Together, we reminisced the times we went out on dates. Seeing movies. How were not supposed to be seen with each other, kundi tsismis na naman yun. We walked from Greenbelt to that restaurant. It was kind of a long walk, but when I'm with him, the whole world stops and I, once again, was dreaming. We were just laughing about random things. I now remembered that yes, he is talkative. Hehehe. Every word that he whispers is music to my ears. I love the way he talks. I know that I am still in love with him.

I love to eat. I even dared him na pabilisan ng pagkain ng pizza eh! Hahaha! Parang mga bata lang kami. After that very satisfying meal, we just had to talk. He asked me how I was. How Gaspard was doing. I told him that he is still trying to manage how to live a life without Nate. I told him that I still long for his warm embrace and his gentle kiss. I told him I still love him with all my soul. He just had to smile. I know at this point, we're just gonna be friend na lang.

He keeps on asking me about Chuck. I told him na hindi na kami nagkikita or nag-uusap man lang. Mahirap na. Ayoko na makigulo sa buhay pag-ibig ni Chuck at sa kanyang partner. I just had to get out of the picture. He told me that what I did was the right thing. Magiging malaking problema yun kapag nadawit pa ang pangngalan ko dun. He told me that he cares for me, kaya mag-ingat daw ako.

I asked him how he was doing. He told me that he's still busy. With everything. He doesn't even have time for himself daw. That night, he made sure na we're just gonna spend the few hours with just the both of us. He explained that he was sorry for the pain that he caused me. I was really apologetic about what I did to him. How I disrespected him. We forgave one another. Another smile.

I can't stop looking at him. At his eyes. I wish I could stay there forever.

I asked him about his partner. He told me na wala na daw sila. Ewan ko lang kung napansin nya, pero feeling ko, pati mga ears ko pumapalakpak at ang mga ngiti ko, hanggang batok.

I can't take my eyes off him. As I listened to him, I didn't notice the time fly by. I showed him the ring that I was still keeping. (I intentionally brought that ring para naman kahit papaano, maipakita ko man lang sa kanya ang ring na sana ay ibibigay ko sa kanya.) Like a symbol of my love for him. He looked surprised. Awkward silence. He grabbed the ring from me. He tried it on his right ring finger. For a second, I thought that he already accepted the proposal that I made to him, two months ago. Then he gave the ring back to me.

I asked him what I should do with the ring. He told me to keep it. Baka one day daw, baka may magbalik sa buhay ko. Sabi ko, sana nga. SANA NGA! Another smile.

I know that it is kinda getting late na. After we ate, we went to the coffee shop where we had our first coffee together, though I don't drink any coffee. There, we savored the remaining hours of the evening. There, we talked even more. Kamustahan. Trying to catch up with one another.

We decided to drop by the church sa Greenbelt. Ang ganda ng gabi. He went inside the church to pray for just a few minutes. I just waited outside. I looked at the ring. The ring that he just touched. I was smiling. I know that I'll be strong. I'll never give up on him. I love him. I was praying for guidance. I was praying that someday, I might be happy. I tried the ring for a moment or two. When I saw him coming out, I hastily pocketed the ring.

Alam ko may pasok pa sya bukas so hinatid ko na din sya pauwi. When we reached a place na walang masyadong tao, I had the sudden urge to kiss him on his lips. Buti na lang napigilan ko. I just hugged him. I told him that I still love him and I'll wait no matter how long it takes. He didn't look at me. But his hand on my arm told me that I should try to be strong and choose things that will make me happy. His answer is enough for me. I know that the hope that I have is enough. I know it is.

Together, we walked up to the bus station until he takes a bus and go home. I watched him disappear as his bus ran away. I saw his face, smiling, as we parted ways. I knew that I just had a magical night with Nate. My feelings for him grew even stronger. Still, I was his.
_______________________________________________________

That is not what happened. Those are just my expectations. This is what really happened. . .

_______________________________________________________

He called me the day before we're gonna go out. He told me that he was sick. So bahala na lang daw. I plotted my vacation leave for that day pa naman. Syempre, nanglumo naman ako. I was really excited to see him once more. On the day itself, I told him na it would be much better if we would go out habang maaga pa para he has time to rest kasi nga galing lang sya sa sakit.

When I went home after work, I told him to text me so that I'll know when it's time for me to go to Manila. He had things to do pala on that day. I only slept for 2:30 hours that day. I know that being sleepless is gonna be worth it once I see him naman eh.

When I reached Makati, I texted him agad. I asked him where are we gonna see each other. He told me that he is going somewhere and it would take some time before he could meet up with me. It was fine waiting for him naman. It was just 4:20pm pa lang naman eh. He told me to sleep muna sa lounge area sa office. I told him to call me para magising ako.

After a few hours, I woke up. He was calling me. We can meet up na! Ang saya saya ko talaga, eventhough I looked haggard. When I went out of the office, I immediately searched for a free taxi. Crap! It was rush hour! Walang taxi! Time is running out so I just took a bus. Tae ang mga bus sa Makati. Sobrang bagal. So I just had to run.

My feet hurts because of the shoes that I was wearing. And I'm also starting to sweat. Bad trip naman. Bakit ngayon ko pa naisipan magsuot ng shoes na ganito? I just remembered, hindi ko naman in-expect na tatakbo kami diba? I texted him that I was almost near our meeting place.

He texted me to make it fast. He was gonna meet his friend by 6:30pm. It was 5:56pm when I got this text. I stopped from running. I just had to read that text message twice. So tinagalog ko na. Magmadali daw ako kasi may pupuntahan pa siya. I just said to myself, okay na ang 30 minutes. Makita ko lang sya.

When I reached the coffee shop where we're supposed to meet. He did not even said "hi" or "hello". I was smiling my heart out. I felt so good to see him again. He was indifferent. I said to myself, na naman, nag-start pa lang naman ang 30 minutes diba?

When I was about to take a seat, Nate told me to go to a burger joint. He told me we were not supposed to be seen with each other. Hindi na ako nakaupo. Dumeretso na lang ako sa isang burger-fast-food-joint-resto na ayun. This was supposed to be a dinner, right? I was thinking of somewhere private and kinda has good food. . .

He told me to order na and he'll just come to meet me at that place after a few minutes. When I asked him what does he want. He replied that he'll just have french fries, because he ate na daw. I wasn't buying his answers. I told him na I though this is gonna be a real dinner, like the original plan. I'm willing to spend a lot on that day para lang maganda ang mapuntahan naming restaurant tapos dun nya lang ako pinapunta? At least sana naman spend a few hours with him diba, kung dun lang kami magdi-"dinner"? But no, my time is running out.

I didn't want to complain. I should be thankful nga na he agreed to meet up with me nga eh. But at that point, while I was reading his messages, tears were starting to fall down my right cheek. Mali talaga ang mag-expect. He told me, through text, na-fully booked ang schedule nya on that day kasi nga he was sick the previous day, pero may next time pa naman daw eh. In my mind, it would have been much better if Nate just cancelled out on me than treat me like this. I was really excited to finally meet him and once again talk with him tapos ganito lang pala ang mangyayari.

But then again, it happened na nga eh. I might as well just go with it.

Nate came in. He looked so good that evening. All my tears were worth it. The pain in my feet disappeared.

We both sat on chairs. Ang tagal daw ng ino-order ko, sabi nya. Sabay tingin naman ako sa orasan.

He asked me how I was doing. I lied that I was fine. I asked him the same thing. Okay lang daw sya. Busy pa din sa lahat ng bagay. Then we talked about all sorts of things na after than. I can't help myself. I still love him with my whole heart pero hindi ko masabi sa kanya.

He asked me how was Gaspard (because he read this blog before). I told him na bitter pa din si Gaspard. Ngumiti lang sya.

He asked me how Chuck and I was doing. I told him na we're just friends na lang. Ayoko makigulo. He asked me kung may nangyari na sa amin ni Chuck. Natawa na lang ako. Wala naman talaga nangyayari sa amin ni Chuck eh but he keeps on saying na meron na. I spoke to myself. I know I'm not a slut. Just because I like someone doesn't mean that I'll have sex with them. I need to love someone before we can do it. Nate is the first guy I've ever done it with. I love him.

I asked him how was he and his partner. He told me that he broke things up with his partner. I'm not buying it. I know that he will not even care if I told him na I don't believe him, so I didn't even bother to tell him that. Pero I have to admit, I smiled at that thought.

So dumating na yung food. He ate the fries. Nawala ang gutom ko. Hindi ko na kinain yung burger. Kasi nga diba, nagmamadali sya.

He told me a lot of stories, ranging from people that I met to the people na hindi ko talaga kilala. He loves to talk. And I'm loving it. Hahaha! I love to listen to him. I love to look at his eyes. I love to see him smile. But then again, the time is running out. He told me that if his friends did not reply, he will not meet with them anymore. Secretly, I was praying na wag na nga sila mag-reply. But they did.

It was time to go now. I told him that I was really thankful that he spent a few minutes with me. He told me that I really should be. He told me that I should take the bus back to Glorietta, I told him no. I told him that I'll just walk. (The reason why I wanted to walk is that para naman makasabay ko sya papunta sa building where his friends are. Pero di ko sinabi sa kanya.)

I thanked him again. He told me that we should not be walking together. Baka daw may makakita pa sa amin. Kung maglalakad daw ako, bilisan ko daw. Mauna na lang daw ako. I told him "okay". I was trying to savor the last few seconds of being with him, as I walk slowly. As we part, tears started to fall on my right cheek again. This was not the night I was really hoping for.

I was walking again, knowing that he doesn't even care that I was in front of him. I put my earphones on and listened to our song. . . sorry. . . I mean "my" song. . .

I dropped by the church at Greenbelt. I held the ring that I was supposed to show him, at least. (Yup, I was not able to show that ring to him.) I prayed for a couple of minutes but it seemed like an eternity. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for love.

Having great disgust with myself, I threw that stupid ring to the pond near that church. I hate what I did. I hate the fact that my feet hurts. I hate the fact that I was crying like a child. I hate the fact that I was alone there, imagining what it would be like if I was with him. I hated that night. I hated everything that he did. I hate that I was broken. I hated the fact that I had to pick the pieces of myself up, scattered all over the place, all alone. I hated that I have to bleed. I hated myself. I hate the fact that I don't even hate him. Not even a little. Not even a bit.

After a few hours of thinking, if I deserve what I'm doing to myself. He was the one who easily gave up on me. I, even up to this point, never gave up on him.

He blogged that happiness is a choice. He is right.

Am I really choosing this path because it makes me happy?

I finally decided to call it a night. I walked some more. Walked. Walked. And Walked.

Finally, I got home.

That's when I noticed that my shoes are broken. I listened to our song. . . sorry . . . I mean "my" song. I cried until my eyes hurt. I know I'm damaged. I cried until I was able to sleep.

I love him.

_______________________________

I texted him na sana may next time pa. He never replied.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Det är Början på Något Nytt! (The start of something new!)

This year, I hope that I'll be a better person. Book more modeling gigs! (Yeah!) And I do hope that whatever challenges I face in this year, I hope that I'll overcome them and learn from the mistakes in did in the year 2009. I hope that I'll mature and be a man. Make decisions and stand up for what I do. I'll go to the gym and work out na ulit! I'll study hard. Think twice, or even thrice, before I even do anything. . . Well, this blog entry is not really about my resolutions for this year. This is, again, about my love life na sobrang pang-tanga lang at sobrang bitter. . .

Again, we will go back to Nate. . .

I was really surprised that he started talking to me again. I mean texting me. I really do hope that this year will bring a new start for the two of us. I'm not setting my hopes up na babalikan nya pa din ako. Pero that's what I've been wishing.

Before we get into Nate, I have to tell you about a movie that I watched just recently.

Ang title ng movie ay "500 Days of Summer" Anak ng tukneneng talaga!!! Kung baril at may bala lang ang movie na yun, siguro opening credits pa lang, duguaan na ako at butas butas na ang suot ko! Patama talaga! HAHAHA! Buti na lang masarap ang mac and cheese na gawa ko. :))

Feeling ko nga, I'm watching myself there eh. (Weh? Meganon?)

Anyways, let's go back to the Nate-and-Gaspard situation. . .

So he texted me, asking kung kelan daw ako free. I was surprised, well. . .honestly. . . I really wasn't expecting that. I "know" we were kinda / sort of in good terms na with each other after what happened (I think). I gave him the dates na free ako and when I asked him why, he told me that he's thinking kung kelan ko daw sya ililibre. hehehehe. OMG! So isang date ba ito? (Sana talaga! Im crossing my fingers!)

So, I got to know kung kelan sya comfortable. Actually, wala na akong pakialam sa schedule ko. Basta sya kasama ko, okay lang. Nako! Pumalakpak pati tenga ko sa sobrang tuwa. . .

I told him na I missed him sooo much and I am sooo looking forward for that day na we will go out with each other. I'm super excited!

Bigla syang nag-text na "Che! Eh may Chuck ka naman eh."

I told him na we stopped communicating na, which is kinda true. . .

Tapos hindi na naman sya nag-reply. Nyek!

Kamustahan na nga lang kami ni Chuck eh. Wala nang flirting. Friends na lang kami. As in F-R-I-E-N-D-S.

Again, to Nate. . .

I am super happy na kahit papaano, he's paving the way para magkausap at magkita kami ng personal. I think he still doesn't believe me when I said that I missed him. I do miss him. I still love him. (Note: Love is different from like.)

Could this be my chance to make it up to him? I "think" we can no longer be lovers but I'm keeping my hopes up (ayan na naman ako. . . hindi na natuto. . . ). If things didn't work out last year, then some thing right might happen this year, for the both of us. Sigh.

I'm looking forward to meet him again. Hoping to start and hopefully build a new relationship, a relationship that will last, either be lovers once more, or just be friends. Which ever will last longer.

I am thankful for what the Lord has been doing for me. I am blessed that I am meeting great people. People who made big changes in my life. I am thankful that I am learning. I am thankful that at some point, I'm starting to think more of an adult than a teenager, which is a good thing.

Let's be positive that this year is gonna be a great year.


_____________________________________________________

I am sooooooooooooo excited! XP