Thursday, January 7, 2010

Förväntningar Och Verklighet (Expectations and Reality)

If your gonna start reading this, make sure that you finish reading this entry up to the last paragraph.
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Nate and I went out this day. I was really excited, as you may well know. You see, it's the first time Nate and I will be going out since that "thing" happened between us. Honestly, I was really thankful that we can still hang out with each other. I really miss his voice, the way he smiles, the way he looks at me. Everything. I really appreciated the fact that eventhough he's sick the previous day, he still managed to come and go out with me. Luckily, I was able to sleep after going out of the office. I felt really tired, but no, I can't sleep because I'm soooooo excited for our dinner.

I went to Makati at around 7pm and we met at Greenbelt. He looks so good that night. And he brought me some chocolates! Yummy! Everything made me think that tonight is gonna be a magical night. (Chessy) I looked like hell, I think. I really wasn't able to sleep well. But anyways, I told him that I missed hanging out with him. I mean going out on dates. He asked me where should we eat. I was in the mood for pizza and pasta and so we went to an Italian restaurant.

Together, we reminisced the times we went out on dates. Seeing movies. How were not supposed to be seen with each other, kundi tsismis na naman yun. We walked from Greenbelt to that restaurant. It was kind of a long walk, but when I'm with him, the whole world stops and I, once again, was dreaming. We were just laughing about random things. I now remembered that yes, he is talkative. Hehehe. Every word that he whispers is music to my ears. I love the way he talks. I know that I am still in love with him.

I love to eat. I even dared him na pabilisan ng pagkain ng pizza eh! Hahaha! Parang mga bata lang kami. After that very satisfying meal, we just had to talk. He asked me how I was. How Gaspard was doing. I told him that he is still trying to manage how to live a life without Nate. I told him that I still long for his warm embrace and his gentle kiss. I told him I still love him with all my soul. He just had to smile. I know at this point, we're just gonna be friend na lang.

He keeps on asking me about Chuck. I told him na hindi na kami nagkikita or nag-uusap man lang. Mahirap na. Ayoko na makigulo sa buhay pag-ibig ni Chuck at sa kanyang partner. I just had to get out of the picture. He told me that what I did was the right thing. Magiging malaking problema yun kapag nadawit pa ang pangngalan ko dun. He told me that he cares for me, kaya mag-ingat daw ako.

I asked him how he was doing. He told me that he's still busy. With everything. He doesn't even have time for himself daw. That night, he made sure na we're just gonna spend the few hours with just the both of us. He explained that he was sorry for the pain that he caused me. I was really apologetic about what I did to him. How I disrespected him. We forgave one another. Another smile.

I can't stop looking at him. At his eyes. I wish I could stay there forever.

I asked him about his partner. He told me na wala na daw sila. Ewan ko lang kung napansin nya, pero feeling ko, pati mga ears ko pumapalakpak at ang mga ngiti ko, hanggang batok.

I can't take my eyes off him. As I listened to him, I didn't notice the time fly by. I showed him the ring that I was still keeping. (I intentionally brought that ring para naman kahit papaano, maipakita ko man lang sa kanya ang ring na sana ay ibibigay ko sa kanya.) Like a symbol of my love for him. He looked surprised. Awkward silence. He grabbed the ring from me. He tried it on his right ring finger. For a second, I thought that he already accepted the proposal that I made to him, two months ago. Then he gave the ring back to me.

I asked him what I should do with the ring. He told me to keep it. Baka one day daw, baka may magbalik sa buhay ko. Sabi ko, sana nga. SANA NGA! Another smile.

I know that it is kinda getting late na. After we ate, we went to the coffee shop where we had our first coffee together, though I don't drink any coffee. There, we savored the remaining hours of the evening. There, we talked even more. Kamustahan. Trying to catch up with one another.

We decided to drop by the church sa Greenbelt. Ang ganda ng gabi. He went inside the church to pray for just a few minutes. I just waited outside. I looked at the ring. The ring that he just touched. I was smiling. I know that I'll be strong. I'll never give up on him. I love him. I was praying for guidance. I was praying that someday, I might be happy. I tried the ring for a moment or two. When I saw him coming out, I hastily pocketed the ring.

Alam ko may pasok pa sya bukas so hinatid ko na din sya pauwi. When we reached a place na walang masyadong tao, I had the sudden urge to kiss him on his lips. Buti na lang napigilan ko. I just hugged him. I told him that I still love him and I'll wait no matter how long it takes. He didn't look at me. But his hand on my arm told me that I should try to be strong and choose things that will make me happy. His answer is enough for me. I know that the hope that I have is enough. I know it is.

Together, we walked up to the bus station until he takes a bus and go home. I watched him disappear as his bus ran away. I saw his face, smiling, as we parted ways. I knew that I just had a magical night with Nate. My feelings for him grew even stronger. Still, I was his.
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That is not what happened. Those are just my expectations. This is what really happened. . .

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He called me the day before we're gonna go out. He told me that he was sick. So bahala na lang daw. I plotted my vacation leave for that day pa naman. Syempre, nanglumo naman ako. I was really excited to see him once more. On the day itself, I told him na it would be much better if we would go out habang maaga pa para he has time to rest kasi nga galing lang sya sa sakit.

When I went home after work, I told him to text me so that I'll know when it's time for me to go to Manila. He had things to do pala on that day. I only slept for 2:30 hours that day. I know that being sleepless is gonna be worth it once I see him naman eh.

When I reached Makati, I texted him agad. I asked him where are we gonna see each other. He told me that he is going somewhere and it would take some time before he could meet up with me. It was fine waiting for him naman. It was just 4:20pm pa lang naman eh. He told me to sleep muna sa lounge area sa office. I told him to call me para magising ako.

After a few hours, I woke up. He was calling me. We can meet up na! Ang saya saya ko talaga, eventhough I looked haggard. When I went out of the office, I immediately searched for a free taxi. Crap! It was rush hour! Walang taxi! Time is running out so I just took a bus. Tae ang mga bus sa Makati. Sobrang bagal. So I just had to run.

My feet hurts because of the shoes that I was wearing. And I'm also starting to sweat. Bad trip naman. Bakit ngayon ko pa naisipan magsuot ng shoes na ganito? I just remembered, hindi ko naman in-expect na tatakbo kami diba? I texted him that I was almost near our meeting place.

He texted me to make it fast. He was gonna meet his friend by 6:30pm. It was 5:56pm when I got this text. I stopped from running. I just had to read that text message twice. So tinagalog ko na. Magmadali daw ako kasi may pupuntahan pa siya. I just said to myself, okay na ang 30 minutes. Makita ko lang sya.

When I reached the coffee shop where we're supposed to meet. He did not even said "hi" or "hello". I was smiling my heart out. I felt so good to see him again. He was indifferent. I said to myself, na naman, nag-start pa lang naman ang 30 minutes diba?

When I was about to take a seat, Nate told me to go to a burger joint. He told me we were not supposed to be seen with each other. Hindi na ako nakaupo. Dumeretso na lang ako sa isang burger-fast-food-joint-resto na ayun. This was supposed to be a dinner, right? I was thinking of somewhere private and kinda has good food. . .

He told me to order na and he'll just come to meet me at that place after a few minutes. When I asked him what does he want. He replied that he'll just have french fries, because he ate na daw. I wasn't buying his answers. I told him na I though this is gonna be a real dinner, like the original plan. I'm willing to spend a lot on that day para lang maganda ang mapuntahan naming restaurant tapos dun nya lang ako pinapunta? At least sana naman spend a few hours with him diba, kung dun lang kami magdi-"dinner"? But no, my time is running out.

I didn't want to complain. I should be thankful nga na he agreed to meet up with me nga eh. But at that point, while I was reading his messages, tears were starting to fall down my right cheek. Mali talaga ang mag-expect. He told me, through text, na-fully booked ang schedule nya on that day kasi nga he was sick the previous day, pero may next time pa naman daw eh. In my mind, it would have been much better if Nate just cancelled out on me than treat me like this. I was really excited to finally meet him and once again talk with him tapos ganito lang pala ang mangyayari.

But then again, it happened na nga eh. I might as well just go with it.

Nate came in. He looked so good that evening. All my tears were worth it. The pain in my feet disappeared.

We both sat on chairs. Ang tagal daw ng ino-order ko, sabi nya. Sabay tingin naman ako sa orasan.

He asked me how I was doing. I lied that I was fine. I asked him the same thing. Okay lang daw sya. Busy pa din sa lahat ng bagay. Then we talked about all sorts of things na after than. I can't help myself. I still love him with my whole heart pero hindi ko masabi sa kanya.

He asked me how was Gaspard (because he read this blog before). I told him na bitter pa din si Gaspard. Ngumiti lang sya.

He asked me how Chuck and I was doing. I told him na we're just friends na lang. Ayoko makigulo. He asked me kung may nangyari na sa amin ni Chuck. Natawa na lang ako. Wala naman talaga nangyayari sa amin ni Chuck eh but he keeps on saying na meron na. I spoke to myself. I know I'm not a slut. Just because I like someone doesn't mean that I'll have sex with them. I need to love someone before we can do it. Nate is the first guy I've ever done it with. I love him.

I asked him how was he and his partner. He told me that he broke things up with his partner. I'm not buying it. I know that he will not even care if I told him na I don't believe him, so I didn't even bother to tell him that. Pero I have to admit, I smiled at that thought.

So dumating na yung food. He ate the fries. Nawala ang gutom ko. Hindi ko na kinain yung burger. Kasi nga diba, nagmamadali sya.

He told me a lot of stories, ranging from people that I met to the people na hindi ko talaga kilala. He loves to talk. And I'm loving it. Hahaha! I love to listen to him. I love to look at his eyes. I love to see him smile. But then again, the time is running out. He told me that if his friends did not reply, he will not meet with them anymore. Secretly, I was praying na wag na nga sila mag-reply. But they did.

It was time to go now. I told him that I was really thankful that he spent a few minutes with me. He told me that I really should be. He told me that I should take the bus back to Glorietta, I told him no. I told him that I'll just walk. (The reason why I wanted to walk is that para naman makasabay ko sya papunta sa building where his friends are. Pero di ko sinabi sa kanya.)

I thanked him again. He told me that we should not be walking together. Baka daw may makakita pa sa amin. Kung maglalakad daw ako, bilisan ko daw. Mauna na lang daw ako. I told him "okay". I was trying to savor the last few seconds of being with him, as I walk slowly. As we part, tears started to fall on my right cheek again. This was not the night I was really hoping for.

I was walking again, knowing that he doesn't even care that I was in front of him. I put my earphones on and listened to our song. . . sorry. . . I mean "my" song. . .

I dropped by the church at Greenbelt. I held the ring that I was supposed to show him, at least. (Yup, I was not able to show that ring to him.) I prayed for a couple of minutes but it seemed like an eternity. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for love.

Having great disgust with myself, I threw that stupid ring to the pond near that church. I hate what I did. I hate the fact that my feet hurts. I hate the fact that I was crying like a child. I hate the fact that I was alone there, imagining what it would be like if I was with him. I hated that night. I hated everything that he did. I hate that I was broken. I hated the fact that I had to pick the pieces of myself up, scattered all over the place, all alone. I hated that I have to bleed. I hated myself. I hate the fact that I don't even hate him. Not even a little. Not even a bit.

After a few hours of thinking, if I deserve what I'm doing to myself. He was the one who easily gave up on me. I, even up to this point, never gave up on him.

He blogged that happiness is a choice. He is right.

Am I really choosing this path because it makes me happy?

I finally decided to call it a night. I walked some more. Walked. Walked. And Walked.

Finally, I got home.

That's when I noticed that my shoes are broken. I listened to our song. . . sorry . . . I mean "my" song. I cried until my eyes hurt. I know I'm damaged. I cried until I was able to sleep.

I love him.

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I texted him na sana may next time pa. He never replied.

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