I really don't know how to start this one. Sigh.
Well, this entry is really for you, Nate. Hopefully, I can sum up everything I need to tell you in this one entry.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Actually, about what happened between us, and what is happening to me.
To begin with, I really wanted to tell you that I, still, am in love with you. I know its been a very long time since we really went out with each other, kissed each other, said "I love you" with each other. But for some reason, I really can't get over you.
I have been very happy with how things are going between us, our friendship.
I do not want to tell you these things personally because I think it might make you go away even farther, so that's why I'm just gonna type it in my blog. Hopefully, you'll be able to read this one.
I was very happy during the time we were hanging out with each other. I still miss your company. I miss the way you hold my hand. The way you laugh. Your smell after your done smoking. How you smile. How you kiss. How you took me seriously. To tell you the truth, people just see me as an eye candy. A person without any substance. You made me feel very special. Someone that you would care for. I thank you for that.
I still remember the day that you clearly said that you love me. Finally, I was comfortable dating another guy. Being in love with a guy. The moment that we kissed is really special for me. For one moment, my eyes sparkled with glee. I knew I was gay.
I loved seeing you everyday. Being with you everyday. We made promises to each other. And I guess those promises that I made keeps me from moving on, after you have left me. Another sigh.
When you told me that you were really busy and you could not keep up with my demands, I was really shocked. My feelings crashed. I broke down. Crap. I kept that text by the way. You decided to let me off through text. I would have really felt that you were sincere kung kinausap mo ako ng masinsinan. Personal. But you didn't. I was thinking about the things that I might have done to you, that caused you to suddenly drop me off through text. Yeah. I really did somethings wrong.
I still remember what you said to me when we were starting to fall for each other. "Sana hindi ka magsawa sa akin."
I told you that you're the first guy I've fallen in love with. You told me that hopefully, I will be your last.
We even had plans for each other. Plans of living together.
I was really positive that our relationship will grow even stronger as time goes.
You told me that you just got off from a really bad relationship. You cared for me that's why you set rules for me, on when to text you, see you etc... I asked you if you still had feelings with you ex. You referred to him as your ex. You said wala na. Then you gave me a link to a blog. I've read that. I hated the fact the he hurt you, physically and emotionally. Lalo na nung nakita ko na may pasa ka sa mga braso mo. Gusto ko sugurin ang tarantadong yun. You told me to just let it go. We should be peace loving.
Days flew by. Each day that I spent with you, each minute, my feelings for you grew stronger.
I knew that you were really stressed sa work mo. You know that I'll be willing to do anything naman para sayo. Just to rid the stress out of you. I wanted to make you smile and laugh everytime because I like the way your eyes disappear. I hate it when you skip meals. I don't like it when you smoke. I'm having fun right now, remembering those odd things. Hehe.
I miss your hugs. I miss your voice. I miss you. Badly.
Going back... When you told me that you have no time for me, and you decided to break things off with me, you gave my mind a really hard time. It came to a point that I had no one else to talk to, and I vented all of my feelings to a person a just knew, and that was Chuck. I broke that promise, Nate. I really was sorry on how stupid I was for letting my emotions get ahead of my judgment.
I'm really thankful that your starting to talk with me again.
Now this are the things that I really need to ask you. I know I can't ask you these questions personally. If ever you're gonna meet me and answer these, I would really appreciate it if you would be as honest as possible.
If you really cared for me, or even loved me, why did you have to let me off sa text lang? That was something really important for me. Did you really have any real feelings for me? When I disrespected you, I really wanted to talk to you. Apologize. I knew that if ever I'll be able to talk with you, I'll be able to explain...
I was browsing the web. I remembered the link that you gave me. Your blog. I've read that entry. You listed me down as one of your mistakes. One of your mistakes. Falling in love with me was just a mistake. Ouch.
I remember trying to fix the promise that I broke, about telling someone about you. You told me that there will be no point in fighting for me, kung mga simpleng bagay nga hindi ko magawa. I really wanted to apologize personally, explain, how I became really stupid. I knew I deserved to be punished.
You were really mad at me. I know you wanted to hurt me physically.
Some days went by. I was, again browsing the web. I checked the link that you gave me. Another mistake. This time, I found that same entry, but on a different blog.
I really wasn't expecting to find out that it was you.
You wrote some things there that were really low blows. You wrote there that there was no point in fixing things up with me kasi you're committed with your partner pa din pala. Long distance relationship. All those time, umaasa lang pala ako sayo.
You wrote there that after what I did, you will never take me back. Saying that you lost a friend, pero hindi ka nanghihinayang. So friend lang pala ako. I thought we were lovers na nga eh. Friends don't say "I love you" with each other. Friends don't kiss each other on the lips. Heck! Friends don't have sex with each other. You wrote there that it was not your fault that I fell in love with you because you were just being yourself. So, being yourself means saying you love someone, eventhough hindi naman talaga?
What you wrote there was really one sided. Lumabas na isa akong baklang malandi na basta basta na lang sinisigaw ang mga balitang nasasagap. Another ouch. But you were right that it was your blog and you have each and every right to write anything there. I agreed with you.
I have read that some of your former boyfriends did really nasty things to you. Kahit na harap harapan ka na niloloko, you still gave them chances. You gave them a chance because you loved them. Please stop me from thinking that you didn't really love me. Please. I called you once, asking for another chance to make it up to you. Right now, I'm begging you to give me another chance.
I texted you when I've read the things in the blog that I just discovered. I think that was the only time that you replied back, after the "disrespecting-your-privacy" situation. I told you that I was really hurt. I can't help but think that the reason why you just talked with me is because I've found that secret blog of yours. I think if I hadn't read that blog, hindi mo na ako kakausapin.
I told you that if you were thinking of hurting me, you don't have to do anything na kasi you hurt me using the words on that blog. Yup. I was the model in that blog. Your blog.
I really wanted to ask you a lot of things. Para matahimik na ang isip ko. You blogged that happiness is a choice. The only way that I can be happy is if you can be finally be honest with me.
The reason why I wanted to ask you out for a dinner is because I wanted to talk with you. Ask you questions. Pero you had plans pala that day. It would have been better kung hindi mo na lang ako sinipot ng araw na yun.
Then I asked you nga na kung sana, may next time pa tayo. Hindi ka naman nag-reply. I was really hoping that we can have some form of "closure". Pero I was kidding myself lang pala. Naging friends lang nga pala tayo.
I really want you to be honest with me. I know that you will never come back to me. All I'm asking for is honesty.
"Sana huwag ka mag-sawa sa akin."
"Gagawa tayo ng blog para for each day of our love, we're gonna write a blog entry."
"Saan mo gusto magkaroon ng bahay? Yung realistic ha! Hindi naman yung sa Forbes ah!"
"I'm so proud of you!"
"I love you more!"
I wish I could say some of those things to you again. . .
I love you
I'm still in love with you
I miss you
I want to have you back. . .