Sunday, March 28, 2010

Matematik Och Basket (Math and Basketball)

a very nice video... I love French short films...

Vacker Lögnare (Beautiful Liar)

Let's not kill the karma...

Mitt Löfte Till Celibat (My Vow to Celibacy)

Today is a good Sunday for me. Our topic for Sunday school is sexual purity. This is a big thing in our church. We value our virginity. We're not even allowed to jack off. (Yeah... I know). Anyways, I've realized that I've been doing that for 19 years of my life until last year when I did it with a guy. I was in love then. Ayun ang katwiran ko. Then again, it should never be like that. Sex should not be done out of boredom. Or just because you've met someone you think is your soulmate. It should only be done only within the walls of marriage. You should only give your body and soul to someone if that one person will be with you for the rest of your life. I think it shows that you're preparing your body and soul to that one perfect person that will love you. That will stay with you, for all eternity. I've already had sex with one person. I will not do it again until I know that he (or might be a "she") will be with me forever, or if ever possible, within the bonds of marriage. This is a promise that I will keep. No one will ever get a hold of me. I swear. My "first time" was really special for me, and I remember him being a gentleman. I hope that the next time I will make love with someone, we'll stay for good.

Tulad nga ng narinig ko na kasabihan mula sa TV show na "Glee"

"It's all about the teasing and not the pleasing!" (said with the most annoying flirty girl tone)

I think I'm good at "teasing" naman eh... hahaha! Nagpapahabol muna... LOL!

Have a great Holy Week everyone! Be safe!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Regnar Igen (It's Raining Again)

It's raining again. The last time it rained, everything was falling into their proper places. It seemed like the tiny droplets of water is falling to the place where their really supposed to crash. When I was still young, I loved watching the rain fall. It was one of the greatest feeling, yeah... when you're a kid. I remember a lot of things when it rains. And probably the greatest one was when I met him. When we kissed. When we hugged. When we made love. When we drank at coffee shops. When we go out on dates. It's kind of sad that I will only see the rain as droplets of water simply falling into the ground. No feelings. No emotions. Just the water.

It WAS one of the greatest feelings. Yeah. It was. I should just be thankful that it happened. That for once, the rain symbolized something more than water droplets. Aphrodite really is powerful. Love really does make you see things in a different way.

It's raining outside...

I find solace. I'm at home. There is peace. Hatred will only show how immature you are, as a person. You can never hate him. I've just realized that... for the nth time...

I despise the fact that I can't forget him. I know he has been doing great things, without me. I know he is happy. Without me. I wish I could do the same.

Lumalakas ba ang ulan sa labas?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Sjunga (To Sing)

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Jag Ger Upp (I Give Up)

As I am typing this, my hands are shaking.

I keep on telling myself that I don't wanna do this anymore. But each time I try, I fail. Miserably. I hate myself. I know he has his own life. I cannot control his feelings. His emotions. There is really nothing that I can do. I used to believe that I can have everything that I want. That was me, when I was still a child, learning new things. I really don't know if I have matured enough. I have learned the hard way that if you really love someone, you have to let them go. Go their own way. I have managed to live for days without even seeing him. But it hurts me, knowing that I can go by without him. Ako na yata  ang isa sa mga taong pinakatanga. I know that there are really times that I want to shake him. Hurt him. Make him feel what it's like ruin me. I shiver with that thought. I hate him because I could never hate him. I knew that he was just playing. Up to now, I still sense that some guys just want to date me just for show. Just like what I've told Chuck before, people just see me as a shallow, superficial being. Matino nga ang shell. Wala namang laman. There's no substance. I hate this kind of feeling. Ang dami kong gustong gawin pero hindi ko alam kung paano uumpisahan. It would be much more better if he's just gonna be honest with me. Give me the real reasons. Why should I still keep my promise to him? Ayoko na nga eh... I have to let go. Walk away.

Wait. Should I really just walk away? I want to see him cry. I want to make him feel the way I felt before and what I'm feeling right now. I want to show him what he has made of me. I want to hurt him. Just like what he did to me. Revenge is a dish best served cold. I guess the best revenge is that I  should be a better person than him. To not use other people just to satisfy a temporary high. To not use other people just to fill in those gaps and help repair damaged pieces of their selves.  To always be honest. To show him what he has been missing since he left. I'm sick of looking at him. To promise that if I'm ever gonna love someone again, I'll make sure that I am whole first. I know I will realize that. Hopefully soon.

I hate the way he laughs. I hate the way he cringes his nose when he doesn't like what he is seeing. I hate his smile. I hate the fact that he smokes. I hate his perfume. I hate the way he talks. I hate the way he could make me laugh with the simplest or corniest jokes. I hate that he made me feel in love. with him. I hate seeing him. I hate his lies. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

I give up. The only way  that I could really get over him is if I will hate him. Hate what he did. But will I be able to keep this facade? If each time I hear him laugh, I leap with glee. That when he cringes his nose, it means that I should remind myself that I should do something about the way I look or act. He reminds me of myself, being a person who walks imperfectly. If he smiles, I can see an angel that doesn't have wings. That I like his scent after  he smokes. And the fact that he makes me laugh with the simplest of things and silliest of deeds. That for once, he made me feel special and loved. He was able to show me that someone really cared for me. And if I see him, I fall again. The lies made me believe and fall in love with someone who I can never really have in the first place. Those lies gave me hope and faith. That for some time, it kept me alive. I wish he could have given me a "heads up" since I know that he already knew before then that we will never last. I'm still in love with him.

Will I be able to keep this facade? Someone help me. Destroy this player.

If only you could have been more honest.... I hate you.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Bara Vänner (Just Friends)

Will I ever just be a friend to him? Each time I see him, I melt. When I try to look into his eyes, I see myself staring back at me. The only difference is that I'm smiling in front of that handsome mirror. Umaasa pa din ako kahit papaano na magkakabalikan kami. Pero syempre, malaking kalokohan lang yun. I want to spend time with him. I want to hug him everyday. Kiss him. Every minute. I told myself, even before I started to have genuine feelings for him, to take more time. Relax. Enjoy the moment. "Masyado ka na yata mabilis nahuhulog sa kanya, Gaspard." And I guess, falling in love that fast was not a mistake nor something that I regret. Loving him was never a mistake. I would never let him turn into one, under my watch. I stare blankly. After I type or after I read my books, I imagine him there. Reading the same books that I'm reading. Laughing at the same corny jokes. I just remembered. Corny pa din sya mag-joke. And it's one of the reasons why I'm giving myself a hard time. I dropped by sa church sa Greenbelt. I just had to. That is where I go when I miss him badly. I tried to look for the same spot where I dropped my ring. I stood there. Thinking. "What's wrong with you, Gaspard!" My shallow thoughts answered me. This is what happens when your eyes really sparkled for the first time. This is what happens when you hug someone that wasn't considered a friend, a family member or a lover, but your soul's partner. As I always do every Sunday, I got to church. We were singing one of my most favorite church hymns. The title is "Where Can I turn For Peace?" I could barely sing. The lyrics of that song really reminded me not only of our Lord, but also of him. Another reason why I fell for him is because, I was able to call him "my home". I feel safe in his arms when I hug him. He can make me smile and laugh in just seconds. He's effortless. Now I remember. It was not his fault that I feel in love with him. He was just being himself. I was searching for that ring, hoping something silver will catch my attention sa pond na iyon.  I know it's just there. Hindi na naman siguro yun mawawala. I know this will sound cheesy but I will say it anyways. That ring is like my love for him. I know its always gonna be there pero I could never give it to him. I pray, hope and wish that someday, I will still be able to give that ring to him, kahit sa panaginip man lang mangyari. I've been repeatedly telling myself to keep distance from him. Wa epek. He had hurt me before. But that's okay. Nilalag nya na daw ako sa ibang officemates namin. That's fine with me. He told me to move on na. Nahihirapan pa din ako. It is really difficult to forget someone that at some point in time, you felt yourself gave in na. You have felt yourself surrender. I love him. I am in love with him. I still am in love with him. This is the kind of ring that I was supposed to give him. That ring has been a part of me since I was eight years old. That ring was important to me that's why I decided to give it to him. But when I know that he will no longer come back, I threw it away. Ayoko sa ibang tao ko maibigay ang ring na iyon. Oo. Tanga lang talaga ako. Pinapahirapan ko lang sarili. Dinadaan ko na lang sa biro ang mga linya ko. Naiinis na ako sa sarili ko.  Umaasa pa din ako. That for some kind of miracle, he will return and continue what we've started. Napansin ko kanina. Umuulan na naman. I asked God before to give me a sign that if it would rain, he and I wouldn't last. God gave me Ondoy. Natatawa na lang ako sa ibinigay sa akin na sign ni Heavenly Father. Exaggerated. Ang ring na para kay Nate ay gawa sa silver. May nakaukit na "CTR". Choose the Right. Matutulog na ako. May tumutulo na naman kasi sa pisngi ko. Magandang gabi...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Bekännelse? (A Confession?)

I really don't know if I should be flattered or not. Lately, some guys, or should I say, gays, from our office or friends of friends that have added me sa facebook are either hitting on me or trying to flirt. For instance, this guy, added me at Facebook. I accepted the invitation because he was an officemate before and we share a common friend. Little do I know na his intentions were different. He has been persistently trying to get my number for the past few days and it has been giving me a headache. I was just being kind. Madami na palang tao ang nakaka-misinterpret ng kabaitan ko. If I was just being friendly, some of them would be thinking that I'm flirting back at them.

Then one guy at the office, and I swear na ipapa-report ko na sya sa HR department namin. One time, he grabbed my butt sa comfort room namin while I was taking a leak. I looked at him straight in the eye. Nabwusit ako. I feel violated. And this same guy approached me earlier this day. I was reading some things sa bulletin board namin. Then he passed by and whispered in my ear (tae talaga sya) "ang sarap naman ng nagbabasa". Muntik ko na sya sapakin.

May nag-approach na isa pang officemate sa akin, na isang gay guy. May gusto daw mag-apply sa akin. I asked "what do you mean "apply"?". He told me "apply" as in manligaw. So isa ba akong trophy sa office na ito? Ayoko ng may mga nakatingin sa akin. Ayoko ng chismis. Haaaaay.

And just recently, my co-worker sent me an e-mail. I've known from the start that he is PLU naman eh and it didn't bother me. Isang confession sya actually, saying that he misses me when I'm not around. That its very hard for him to erase me from his mind. And he was trying to tell, I mean, he sent some parts of that e-mail in "swedish". Nag-effort? Grabe. At ang naging reply ko? "Whatever!" Hindi ko tuloy alam kung iiwasan ko na sya dahil sa confession na yun. Medyo awkward na din kasi eh. 

Okay. I know I should be flattered that a few people are into me, pero it's really kinda off and awkward if they start to pour out their feelings towards you and some of them start to get physical. What should I do? Should I just play along with it? Should I just be happy and enjoy the attention while it last? I don't know.

By the way, may mga numbers pa din na nagte-text sa akin na hindi ko naman kakilala. They would want to know me better daw. I never reply to them. Ayoko muna, lalo na kung sa office. Mahirap na, lalo't familiar na ako sa mga tao dun. Tsk tsk. Mahirap makaporma... hahahaha! Pero sana si Nate, Chuck or Pojke na lang yung nagpa-paramdam. Tatanggapin ko pa! Meganon? Hahahahaahhahaahah!


Alam ko. Ang kapal ng mukha ko. HAHAHAHA!

Två Låtar (Two Songs)

Head down as i watch my feet take turns hitting the ground
I should i find myself in love racing the earth

Past time ko na yata ang paglalakad. Hindi ang gumala ha. As in lumakad. Kung saan saan ako dinadala ng aking mga paa. Nawawala ako sa mundo kahit na sandali man lang. Walang problema. Walang iniisip na kahit ano. Kahit sino.

And i'm soaked in your love
And love was right in my path in my grasp
And me and you belong

Oo nga. You and me daw. Pero walang "us". Nagka-text lang ulit kami ni Nate. Kinukulit ko lang sya. (FLIRTING) Nakikipag-joke na corny naman. Hehehe. Napapangiti ako kahit na ako lang ang nasa bahay. Mag-isa. I feel good when I'm talking to him. Selfish ako, tama ba? Parang kahit naiistorbo ko na si Nate, go lang ako ng go. Haaaay. I super duper missed him! Sana talaga magkita ulit kami one of this days! Kahapon nga lang pala kami nagkita....

I wanna run run smash into you
I wanna run run smash into you

Balak ko magpagupit. Make-over. (Bading na bading talaga...hehehe) Excited na nga ako magpagupit eh. Kasi naman! Eto lang yata ang time na talagang nagka-time ako para sa sarili ko. Tinanong ni Nate kung nasan na ako. Sabi ko papunta pa lang ng Makati. Nasa salon na daw kasi sya eh. 

It flows what i hear no one else has to know
'cause i know in what we have is worth first place in gold

Pumalakpak na naman ang tenga ko! Ang ngiti hanggang batok! Makikita ko ulit sya today! Ang saya naman ng araw na ito. Saktong pagdating ko ng Makati, kakatapos nya lang magpagupit. Haaayyy. Sayang naman. Hindi kami sabay. Hahahaha! Pero okay lang naman kasi I was able to see him with his new hairdo. OJ HERRE GUD! (OMG). Maka-laglag ng boxers ang ka-pogian nya! Joke lang! Hahahahaha! (Ikaw, Nate, huwag lalaki ang ulo ha!)

I wanna run run smash into you
I wanna run run smash into you smash into you

Worth it ang pag-mamadali ko papuntang Makati parang lang makita sya. Kilig to the bones. Hahaha! Feeling ko hindi nya naman yata nararamdaman ng mga panahong iyon na super happy ako nun eh. Medyo poker face ako nun. Hehehe. I think.

Head down as i watch my feet take turns hitting the ground
I should i'm in love and i'm racing the earth

Ewan ko ba sa sarili ko. Ang sarap mag-imagine na kasama ko pa din sya. Kayakap sya. Haaay. Pero dahil wala na akong magagawa para bumalik sya, lumalakad na naman ako. Minsan tumatakbo. Tama. Takbo na lang. At least, baka... baka lang naman.... mahabol ko pa sya....

Oh i wanna run smash into you
I'm willing to run smash into you
I'm willing to run and run and run and run ooh
I'm ready to run and run and run and run ooh


You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

After ko magpagupit, dumaan ako sa office namin. Gusto ko ipakita ang bago kong look kay Nate. Hehehehe. Syempre. Excuse ko lang yun syempre para makita ulit sya.

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one 
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me 
And put tears on my face

Hindi daw bagay ang new hair color ko. Nyek. Pero okay lang. I feel gwapo naman eh. Hahaha! Things got a bit interesting when his officemates came in. One of them was really "friendly" at out of nowhere, bigla na lang ako in-interview. If you still remember, Nate and I are still not out sa aming office, nor admit na may "thing" kami before. So eto nga nangyari...

And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

Medyo personal nga ang tinatanong ng officemate ni Nate na yun eh. Eh feeling ko nga naririnig ni Nate ang mga sagot ko sa officemate nya na yun eh. His officemate asked me if I still love "her" (her kasi di naman alam sa office na I'm gay).... I told Nate's officemate na "oo". Actually, may kadugtong pa ang sagot ko doon eh. Na madami akong gustong itanong sa kanya. Pero baka nagtanong pa ako, baka mas lalo pa syang lumayo sa akin. Ayoko na ng drama. (actually, ako lang talaga ang gumagawa ng drama sa buhay ko... hahahaahah!)

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes

There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be

I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you 

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you 
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way
I don’t want a broken heart 

Siguro, ito muna ang isusulat ko sa gabing ito. Oo nga pala. Yang mga kantang ayan ay minsan kong pampatulog. Maganda sya eh. Pero mas maganda kung ang boses mismo ni Nate ang naririnig ko bago ako matulog at pagkagising ko sa umaga. Cheesy!!!! hahahahaha!

När Jag Hör Hans Röst (When I Hear His Voice)

Just the other day, my agent called me to check if I was free to be a support character for a commercial. Political advocacy for a "healthy drink". Mabilis lang naman daw. Since I didn't really have anything to do, I committed myself to that project. Super sandali lang ng exposure ko (kung meron man..hahhahaha). The experience was fun. Again, I get to meet a lot of new people.

I met this guy there sa shoot namin. He's into modelling na din for quite some time kaya he knows a lot of the ins and outs sa industry daw na ito. We should work really hard in this industry while we have the chance and while we are young. Kasi sabi nga nya, which is true naman, marami na ang bago. New faces. And even foreigners are coming na to the Philippines to penetrate this industry.

Yeah. I know. Why bother working here if this is gonna be temporary lang naman? Kung ang itatagal mo lang sa business na ito ay kung maganda or gwapo ka pa sa paningin ng iba? I dunno. Its fun kasi eh. Lalo na if you get to book a job. Then you meet great people. Tapos malaki din ang pera! heheheheheh

Going back, sandali lang ako nag-shoot doon. Isa, dalawang scene lang then bayad then alis! One hour and thirty minutes lang din ang tinagal ko dun. Medyo late na din ako nakapunta so okay lang. Di naman masyado pagod. GUTOM LANG.

Ewan ko ba. Ang hirap i-control ang appetite ko. As in. Malakas ako kumain. Siguro may limang kargador sa loob ng tyan ko. Pero di naman ako tumataba. Bihira nga lang ako mag-exercise eh. Name-maintain lang. (YABANG!)

Anyways... after nung shoot na yun, I went to back to Makati to eat. Malapit lang kasi sa location ng shooting eh. Napagtripan kong kumain sa fave kong pizza resto. Yummy! Grabe. Umiral na naman ang katakawan ko. 

And speaking of trip, bigla ko naisipang i-text si Nate. Niyayaya ko syang kumain sa labas. Well, I just tried it lang naman kung magre-reply sya. JUMPING JUPITER!!!! Nag-reply nga! So pumayag naman sya na makipagkita at kumain kami sa labas. Minsan ko lang naman sya ma-treat eh. Ang ganda ng gabing iyon.

Nandun ulit sya sa harap ko. Naninigarilyo. Nakangiti. Pumapalakpak tenga ko. Hindi lang halata. Hindi na naman ako makatingin ng deretso sa kanyang mga mata. He looks good pa din. Masarap..... yung lasagna..... hehehehehe

After namin kumain, usap-usap lang. I feel relaxed everytime I hear him talking. Its like I'm home. Drama?!?!?! Alam ko makulit na ako. Pasensya na. Bata pa po ako. Matigas ang ulo. At ayun nga. Usap-usap lang. I'm always interested in him and his stories. Congrats nga pala kasi naman nagbabawas na sya manigarilyo at nagiging active na sya sa kanyang lifestyle. He got thinner nga eh. May kinapa akong matigas sa pantalon ko. Mobile phone ko yun. May nag-text eh. (Kung napangiti ka sa nabasa mo, pwes, madumi ang utak mo... hihihihihihi)

I miss kissing him. I hugging him. I miss being around with him. At least yung "being around with him" part ay na-satisfy naman kasi nagkita naman kami at nagka-usap. Haaaaay. During the time na magkasama kami, I was still trying to remind myself na friends lang kami. 

Parang ganito ba.

"Oh, ayan Gaspard, nandito na si Nate"

"Oo nga eh. Ang gwapo nya..." (kilig)
"Tumino ka nga! Friends nga lang eh!"

"With benefits?"

"Gago! Pinagbigyan ka na nga lang ng tao eh."

"Sige na nga. Hhhhmmmmmppp!!!"

So ganun yung takbo ng utak ko ng mga panahong iyon. Parang retarded lang. At natapos na nga ang gabing iyon. Masaya ako at nakita ko sya. Nakausap. Like good friends... You know what? I've been thinking... may mali ba sa akin? Kasi naman, last year pa nangyari yung mga pangyayari pero I still have these feelings towards him. Ang labo nga eh. I remember him tuloy, when Nate wrote something about his ex or boyfriend or friend or ewan... I forgot... Nung gusto na makipag-break ng boyfriend nya sa kanya and he was asking for another chance. When he "was" (or still is) madly in love with that guy, na eventhough he's really hurting himself na, hindi pa din sya maka-move on. Kasi he really felt something special with that guy. A spark. More like fireworks, I think. I don't really know their story. Ganito din kaya ang nararamdaman nya before? I would never know.

Nauna na sya umalis para walang makakita sa amin na magkasama. Naupo lang ako sa isang tabi. Nag-iisip. Gaspard. Panahon na talaga para mag-move on ka na. Masaya sya na wala ka na. At kaya mo naman mabuhay na wala sya bawat araw diba? Alam ko totoo ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko. Tama ang iniisip ko. Pero at the back of my mind, ganun pa din eh. Maybe one part of my being will still be with him. Eventhough I'm gonna love him just on my own. I'm no longer expecting for him to come back. I will convince myself that he will no longer come back. He's happy out there.

Nakita ko syang naglalakad palayo. Napansin kong nakangiti na naman ako sa madalim na kalangitan. Maganda ang skyline ng Makati. Lalo na ang mga ilaw. Gusto ko syang habulin. Buti na lang napigilan ko ang sarili ko. Ayoko na eh. Pagod na pala ang mga paa ko. I hope this time, I'll be contented with what I have. Sana nga. 

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Återfall... (Relapse)

I went to an almost 400 year old university last weekend to watch some kind of film fest there. I met up with one of my bestfriends there. My intention was to go there, be entertained by the films they made, eat a lot and enjoy my weekend. Well, some of those happened. But I didn't go to their after party. This is why....

I had fun sa mga films na napanood ko. Medyo artsy-fartsy yung mga iba. May boring. May disturbing. Merong may sense. Merong wala. May dragging. May fast paced. So natapos na ang mga films. May time pa ako gumala sa campus nila.

"Anong building yan?" I asked.

"College of Tourism and Hospitality Management".


Bigla ko na naman naisip si Nate! 


Kinakabahan na naman ako. Parang gusto ko pumasok sa building na yun. Makita kung ano itsura ng naging classroom nya...

"Halika, kain muna tayo...." sabi ng friend ko.

So itinuon ko na lang sa pagkain ng pasta ang feelings ko. Masarap naman ang pasta eh. Sige. Kain lang, Gaspard. After we were done eating, we went straight to their new theatre. Nice. Now I miss my school. Hahaha!

Okay. Fine. All along pala, I'm still not over him. Gumawa man ako ng mga entries and posted them here, niloloko ko lang pala sarili ko. I was really exerting effort and I'm willing to do anything just to forget him. Like Chuck or Pojke. Like writing things na mawawalan din naman pala ng sense in the long run. Like meditating sa church. Ginagago ko na naman ang sarili ko.

So okay na. Pinalampas ko na ang araw na pumunta nga ako sa UST. Feeling ko okay na naman ako. Bigla ba namang nagparamdam itong so Nate. Text. Tawag. Nangangamusta. SO ETO NA NAMAN AKO! 


Okay. Makiki-ride muna ako. Na-miss ko naman talaga sya eh. All along, I was trying to focus my mind. I was thinking "Gaspard, friends lang ha. Friends lang ha." At narinig ko na naman ang boses nya. Kinakabahan na naman ako. Parang tanga lang. Hindi makapag-isip ng topic na pag-uusapan. Tae. Pilit yata ang mga tawa ko. Pasmado yata kamay ko. Pinagpapawisan ng malamig. Naka-aircon naman sa kwarto ah! Be yourself, Gaspard! Friends lang! Friends lang!

"Sige papasok na ako."

"Sige. Bye. Ingat ka."

Higa sa kama. Nakangiti sa kisame. Kinakabahan. Wait lang. Ano nga pala ang pinag-usapan namin kanina? ANAK NG TIPAKLONG! Hinahanap nya ang ring ko para sa kanya. Okay. Aminado naman ako na tanga talaga ako nung mga panahong iyon (ang dami ko na yatang pinost dito sa blog na ito tungkol sa feelings ko sa kanya.) Going back, kung nabasa mo ang past entries ko dito, I was really trying hard to get over him. As much as possible nga, iniiwasan ko sya makita and I even keep myself from texting him eh. Kasi naman!

So ayun nga. Hinahanap nya na naman ang ring. Sabi nya ang tanga ko daw kasi tinapon ko. Tapos may sinabi pa sya gusto nya makita yung ring. Gusto ko sya sipain. Hahahaha! Eto na naman ako! Ewan ko ba kung bakit bigla na lang sya nagparamdam. Hindi naman sya dati ganun eh. Tapos hinahanap pa ang pesteng singsing!

The following is a conversation na dati pa nangyari. Nagulat nga ako kung bakit ako may copy eh...

Nate appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.

Nate: where's the ring?
Gaspard: uhhhmmm. . .
Nate: ?
Gaspard: wala na sa akin
Nate: huh?
Nate: you gave it to someone na?
Nate: uyyyy....
Gaspard: nope
Nate: hehehe
Gaspard: i threw it away na
Nate: ha?!
Nate: why?
Gaspard: ayoko na eh
Gaspard: i gave up na
Nate: why?
Nate: gave up sa?
Gaspard: sa pagbibigyan ko sana ng ring na yun
Nate: so it's like you're giving up the love na
Gaspard: not really
Gaspard: i still have strong feelings for that person eh
Gaspard: pero wala na akong magagawa if he's gone na
Nate: that ring symbolizes your heart
Gaspard: it does not
Gaspard: its more like my faith and love
Gaspard: but not my heart
Gaspard: why?
Nate: nakaka-sad naman na tinapon mo yun ring
Nate: you dont know if the person will be back for you
Nate: what if
Nate: diba
Gaspard: its making me sadder if i get to see it everyday
Nate is typing...
Gaspard: may word bang "sadder"?
Gaspard: i dont know nga if that person will ever go back
Gaspard: so for the mean time
Gaspard: i threw it away muna
Gaspard: nasa greenbelt lang naman yun eh kung gusto ko balikan
Gaspard: near sa church
Nate: sa pond
Gaspard: yeah
Gaspard: i still visit that place every morning
Gaspard: after my shift
Gaspard: sometimes i just stay there, lalo na kapag last day na ng shift namin

Nate appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.

GRABE! Dahil sa mga linyang ganyan kaya ako nabibwisit eh! I've been trying sooooooooo hard to move on, tapos may mga binibitawang linya na naman si Nate na ganyan! Ngayon pang feeling ko na okay na ako, pinaplastik ko lang pala sarili ko?

Please.... So ito na ba ang sinasabi nilang relapse? Should I be happy now that he's talking with me again? 

Okay, Gaspard! 






Naguguluhan na naman ako. Ayoko ng ganitong feeling. Or nagfi-feeling lang ako? Sana nga nagfi-feeling lang ako. Tae.

Going back to the night na I went to UST. My bestfriend and her college friends were going to a bar nga eh to celebrate their films. Nawalan ako ng gana. I remembered him. The good times I spent with him. Umuwi na lang ako. And again, pinatugtog ko na naman ang song namin, I mean, song ko....

Monday, March 1, 2010

En Dag I En Modell Liv ( A day in a model's life)

I just had a really tiring day. Haaaaay. Eto nga pala ang first entry ko for March. Ang bilis talaga ng araw.

This is what happened today.

I had to go to three go-sees this day. Tae. Ang haggard ko na nga eh kasi galing pa ako sa work.

Facial wash. Check. Toothbrush. Check. Hair wax. Check. Cologne. Check. Extra shirt. Check. Ano pa ba? Anong oras na? Oras na!

Takbo ako sa Glorietta 4! Hanap ng taxi. Luckily, for the models, most of the agencies that we go to are located either is in Makati or Quezon City. For this day, all three go-sees are in Makati. Good.

First stop. San Antonio. VTR for a fastfood. I don't know which one. Usually, casters don't tell the brand or product that their gonna audition for.

The first one was really quick. Okay. Before you go up and enter the elevator, make sure that you look your best. People are gonna judge you based on how you present yourself. Based solely on how you look. How you smile. If you look better on TV or in print, or neither of them.

You see, I, together with some hopefuls, move in a superficial world commercials, advertisements and ramp. Again, just like what I've said earlier, people judge you based on how you look, the way you move, present yourself. You don't really need to have the brains to do some of them. Kaya nga may mga stereotype ang mga models na maganda lang ang shell, pero wala naman talagang substance. Sad. But this is true to some people. May mga models din naman na masaya kasama, magaling sa kanilang piniling larangan at matalino.

Going back to my adventure, so nakapila na ako. Sandali lang. Konti pa lang kami kasi naman maaga pa.

"Okay, say your name, age and height."

"Hey, I'm Gaspard, 20 years old and I stand 5'10""

"Have you done any commercials yet?"

"Yes. I have done a couple of them and some print ads"

"How about acting?"

"I've been part of a theatre group before, so I'm exposed to it."

"Okay thanks! Please block your schedule on these dates ha. You can go now."


Ganyan usually ang mga eksena sa mga VTR. Mas mahaba pa ang ipipila mo kesa sa actual audition.

One down, two more to go!

Next stop, Legaspi Village. What happened on this VTR is somewhat the same with what happened on the first go-see. Nothing interesting really. Boring. Not a lot of people kasi nga maaga pa. (Models like to come in late most of the time. Hehehehe)

Okay, final stop. The third go-see. This one is kinda special kasi my agent just sent a picture of me to the casters and voila! May access na ako sa final casting! The only difference in this go-see kasi puro guys kami. Hindi mawawala ang mga Brazillians. By the way, nakita ko dito yung crush ni Nate. Isang Bench model. Nako naman! Magaling nga ang mata ni Nate sa pagpili ng crush! HAHAHAHA! So after ko ma-starstruck, balik ako sa pakikinig ng music sa phone ko.

Isa isa na nagdatingan ang mga guys. Mahigpit ang competition. Only one of us will be chosen for the shoot and earn big bucks (cha-ching!). I think we were around 30. May mga guys na familiar ang mukha kasi I see them sa mga commercials on TV na talaga. May nakasama ako na isang guy galing sa malaking bahay ni Kuya at isa pa na kakagaling lang sa elimination ng Starstruck. May isang guy pala from the Mossimo Bikini Summit. Tae. Ang hirap nito ah.

Pinatawag kami ng caster. Okay. Bibilisan na lang daw nila. Unang screening ay isang simpleng VTR. Name, age, height and all that crap. If they feel na you're not for that role, it doesn't mean daw na you're not good looking. It's just that you don't fit the role. Then you can go home na. HAHAHAHA! So ayan na. Isa isa na kami tinawag. I was one of the guys who came in early so I was up first.

Name. Age. Height. Commercials or ads done. Turn to your right. Smile. Turn to your left. Smile. Face front. Smile.

"Okay, Gaspard, what's your last name?"

"******* po."

"Okay, stay for a while ha. You wait with the other guys."

"Really? Thanks!"

1st screening...Lusot! At dito ko nakita na kumonti na kami. Wala na din si Starstruck avenger. I think from around 30, 12 na lang kami. I met some cute guys nga eh. Syempre, friendly naman kasi ako. (Note: Friendly is different from a flirt.)

Next screening na! Okay, this time, may acting na. You have to say these lines and you have to show emotions daw. In character. You have to show that you're really eating something.

Okay, it's my turn na. Goodluck to me!

After a few minutes inside the studio...

"Gaspard, are you free on these dates?"

"I can rearrange my schedule for you!"

"Okay, have your measurements taken by the prod assistant. Then fill up the forms she's gonna give you. Then wait outside."

"Sige po. See you later!"

Lusot na naman! Swerte ko yata ah! So we went down to only 6 guys. This time, they will see if we look together with the other people who's gonna be on that commercial. Photoshoot with the leads.

That VTR ended with the caster telling us that they will call us if they will hire us. The thing with casters is that they will never contact you if you're not hired. So you just have to keep your fingers crossed. The good thing about waiting is the thrill that your getting. Ewan. May something talaga eh.

In this industry, rejection is a big part. Before you really get the big roles, dadaan ka muna sa butas ng karayom.

Oh well.... They never called me back. At least I had fun on that day. Maybe better luck next time!

I really have to tone my body pa! Ako yata ang isa sa tatlong least fit ang katawan doon sa VTR na yun! Nakaka-insecure! Pero kung face value lang din naman ang pagbabasihan, wala ang mga lalaking yun sa akin! (Ang yabang! HAHAHAHA)

Sige na nga. I have to keep my promise. Kelangan ko mag-exercise to lose all that flab. And I really have to tone my upper body! Feeling ko ang weak ng arms ko!


Congrats nga pala Nate! So fitness buff ka na nyan?!?! HAHAHA!