Sunday, March 7, 2010

Återfall... (Relapse)




I went to an almost 400 year old university last weekend to watch some kind of film fest there. I met up with one of my bestfriends there. My intention was to go there, be entertained by the films they made, eat a lot and enjoy my weekend. Well, some of those happened. But I didn't go to their after party. This is why....

I had fun sa mga films na napanood ko. Medyo artsy-fartsy yung mga iba. May boring. May disturbing. Merong may sense. Merong wala. May dragging. May fast paced. So natapos na ang mga films. May time pa ako gumala sa campus nila.

"Anong building yan?" I asked.

"College of Tourism and Hospitality Management".

"Ahhhh..."

Bigla ko na naman naisip si Nate! 

PUTEK!

Kinakabahan na naman ako. Parang gusto ko pumasok sa building na yun. Makita kung ano itsura ng naging classroom nya...

"Halika, kain muna tayo...." sabi ng friend ko.

So itinuon ko na lang sa pagkain ng pasta ang feelings ko. Masarap naman ang pasta eh. Sige. Kain lang, Gaspard. After we were done eating, we went straight to their new theatre. Nice. Now I miss my school. Hahaha!


Okay. Fine. All along pala, I'm still not over him. Gumawa man ako ng mga entries and posted them here, niloloko ko lang pala sarili ko. I was really exerting effort and I'm willing to do anything just to forget him. Like Chuck or Pojke. Like writing things na mawawalan din naman pala ng sense in the long run. Like meditating sa church. Ginagago ko na naman ang sarili ko.


So okay na. Pinalampas ko na ang araw na pumunta nga ako sa UST. Feeling ko okay na naman ako. Bigla ba namang nagparamdam itong so Nate. Text. Tawag. Nangangamusta. SO ETO NA NAMAN AKO! 


@#%*&^!@.


Okay. Makiki-ride muna ako. Na-miss ko naman talaga sya eh. All along, I was trying to focus my mind. I was thinking "Gaspard, friends lang ha. Friends lang ha." At narinig ko na naman ang boses nya. Kinakabahan na naman ako. Parang tanga lang. Hindi makapag-isip ng topic na pag-uusapan. Tae. Pilit yata ang mga tawa ko. Pasmado yata kamay ko. Pinagpapawisan ng malamig. Naka-aircon naman sa kwarto ah! Be yourself, Gaspard! Friends lang! Friends lang!


"Sige papasok na ako."


"Sige. Bye. Ingat ka."


Higa sa kama. Nakangiti sa kisame. Kinakabahan. Wait lang. Ano nga pala ang pinag-usapan namin kanina? ANAK NG TIPAKLONG! Hinahanap nya ang ring ko para sa kanya. Okay. Aminado naman ako na tanga talaga ako nung mga panahong iyon (ang dami ko na yatang pinost dito sa blog na ito tungkol sa feelings ko sa kanya.) Going back, kung nabasa mo ang past entries ko dito, I was really trying hard to get over him. As much as possible nga, iniiwasan ko sya makita and I even keep myself from texting him eh. Kasi naman!


So ayun nga. Hinahanap nya na naman ang ring. Sabi nya ang tanga ko daw kasi tinapon ko. Tapos may sinabi pa sya gusto nya makita yung ring. Gusto ko sya sipain. Hahahaha! Eto na naman ako! Ewan ko ba kung bakit bigla na lang sya nagparamdam. Hindi naman sya dati ganun eh. Tapos hinahanap pa ang pesteng singsing!


The following is a conversation na dati pa nangyari. Nagulat nga ako kung bakit ako may copy eh...



Nate appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.

Nate: where's the ring?
Gaspard: uhhhmmm. . .
Nate: ?
Gaspard: wala na sa akin
Nate: huh?
Nate: you gave it to someone na?
Nate: uyyyy....
Gaspard: nope
Nate: hehehe
Gaspard: i threw it away na
Nate: ha?!
Nate: why?
Gaspard: ayoko na eh
Gaspard:
Gaspard: i gave up na
Nate: why?
Nate: gave up sa?
Gaspard: sa pagbibigyan ko sana ng ring na yun
Nate: so it's like you're giving up the love na
Gaspard: not really
Gaspard: i still have strong feelings for that person eh
Gaspard: pero wala na akong magagawa if he's gone na
Nate: that ring symbolizes your heart
Gaspard: it does not
Gaspard: its more like my faith and love
Gaspard: but not my heart
Gaspard: why?
Nate: nakaka-sad naman na tinapon mo yun ring
Nate: you dont know if the person will be back for you
Nate: what if
Nate: diba
Gaspard: its making me sadder if i get to see it everyday
Nate is typing...
Gaspard: may word bang "sadder"?
Gaspard: i dont know nga if that person will ever go back
Gaspard: so for the mean time
Gaspard: i threw it away muna
Gaspard: nasa greenbelt lang naman yun eh kung gusto ko balikan
Gaspard: near sa church
Nate: sa pond
Gaspard: yeah
Gaspard: i still visit that place every morning
Gaspard: after my shift
Gaspard: sometimes i just stay there, lalo na kapag last day na ng shift namin

Nate appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in.


GRABE! Dahil sa mga linyang ganyan kaya ako nabibwisit eh! I've been trying sooooooooo hard to move on, tapos may mga binibitawang linya na naman si Nate na ganyan! Ngayon pang feeling ko na okay na ako, pinaplastik ko lang pala sarili ko?

Please.... So ito na ba ang sinasabi nilang relapse? Should I be happy now that he's talking with me again? 

Okay, Gaspard! 

FRIENDS LANG KAYO! 

FRIENDS LANG KAYO! 

FRIENDS LANG DAPAT KAYO! 

REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE TO YOURSELF! 

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Naguguluhan na naman ako. Ayoko ng ganitong feeling. Or nagfi-feeling lang ako? Sana nga nagfi-feeling lang ako. Tae.

Going back to the night na I went to UST. My bestfriend and her college friends were going to a bar nga eh to celebrate their films. Nawalan ako ng gana. I remembered him. The good times I spent with him. Umuwi na lang ako. And again, pinatugtog ko na naman ang song namin, I mean, song ko....

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