Sunday, March 21, 2010

Bara Vänner (Just Friends)

Will I ever just be a friend to him? Each time I see him, I melt. When I try to look into his eyes, I see myself staring back at me. The only difference is that I'm smiling in front of that handsome mirror. Umaasa pa din ako kahit papaano na magkakabalikan kami. Pero syempre, malaking kalokohan lang yun. I want to spend time with him. I want to hug him everyday. Kiss him. Every minute. I told myself, even before I started to have genuine feelings for him, to take more time. Relax. Enjoy the moment. "Masyado ka na yata mabilis nahuhulog sa kanya, Gaspard." And I guess, falling in love that fast was not a mistake nor something that I regret. Loving him was never a mistake. I would never let him turn into one, under my watch. I stare blankly. After I type or after I read my books, I imagine him there. Reading the same books that I'm reading. Laughing at the same corny jokes. I just remembered. Corny pa din sya mag-joke. And it's one of the reasons why I'm giving myself a hard time. I dropped by sa church sa Greenbelt. I just had to. That is where I go when I miss him badly. I tried to look for the same spot where I dropped my ring. I stood there. Thinking. "What's wrong with you, Gaspard!" My shallow thoughts answered me. This is what happens when your eyes really sparkled for the first time. This is what happens when you hug someone that wasn't considered a friend, a family member or a lover, but your soul's partner. As I always do every Sunday, I got to church. We were singing one of my most favorite church hymns. The title is "Where Can I turn For Peace?" I could barely sing. The lyrics of that song really reminded me not only of our Lord, but also of him. Another reason why I fell for him is because, I was able to call him "my home". I feel safe in his arms when I hug him. He can make me smile and laugh in just seconds. He's effortless. Now I remember. It was not his fault that I feel in love with him. He was just being himself. I was searching for that ring, hoping something silver will catch my attention sa pond na iyon.  I know it's just there. Hindi na naman siguro yun mawawala. I know this will sound cheesy but I will say it anyways. That ring is like my love for him. I know its always gonna be there pero I could never give it to him. I pray, hope and wish that someday, I will still be able to give that ring to him, kahit sa panaginip man lang mangyari. I've been repeatedly telling myself to keep distance from him. Wa epek. He had hurt me before. But that's okay. Nilalag nya na daw ako sa ibang officemates namin. That's fine with me. He told me to move on na. Nahihirapan pa din ako. It is really difficult to forget someone that at some point in time, you felt yourself gave in na. You have felt yourself surrender. I love him. I am in love with him. I still am in love with him. This is the kind of ring that I was supposed to give him. That ring has been a part of me since I was eight years old. That ring was important to me that's why I decided to give it to him. But when I know that he will no longer come back, I threw it away. Ayoko sa ibang tao ko maibigay ang ring na iyon. Oo. Tanga lang talaga ako. Pinapahirapan ko lang sarili. Dinadaan ko na lang sa biro ang mga linya ko. Naiinis na ako sa sarili ko.  Umaasa pa din ako. That for some kind of miracle, he will return and continue what we've started. Napansin ko kanina. Umuulan na naman. I asked God before to give me a sign that if it would rain, he and I wouldn't last. God gave me Ondoy. Natatawa na lang ako sa ibinigay sa akin na sign ni Heavenly Father. Exaggerated. Ang ring na para kay Nate ay gawa sa silver. May nakaukit na "CTR". Choose the Right. Matutulog na ako. May tumutulo na naman kasi sa pisngi ko. Magandang gabi...

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