Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Jag Ger Upp (I Give Up)

As I am typing this, my hands are shaking.

I keep on telling myself that I don't wanna do this anymore. But each time I try, I fail. Miserably. I hate myself. I know he has his own life. I cannot control his feelings. His emotions. There is really nothing that I can do. I used to believe that I can have everything that I want. That was me, when I was still a child, learning new things. I really don't know if I have matured enough. I have learned the hard way that if you really love someone, you have to let them go. Go their own way. I have managed to live for days without even seeing him. But it hurts me, knowing that I can go by without him. Ako na yata  ang isa sa mga taong pinakatanga. I know that there are really times that I want to shake him. Hurt him. Make him feel what it's like ruin me. I shiver with that thought. I hate him because I could never hate him. I knew that he was just playing. Up to now, I still sense that some guys just want to date me just for show. Just like what I've told Chuck before, people just see me as a shallow, superficial being. Matino nga ang shell. Wala namang laman. There's no substance. I hate this kind of feeling. Ang dami kong gustong gawin pero hindi ko alam kung paano uumpisahan. It would be much more better if he's just gonna be honest with me. Give me the real reasons. Why should I still keep my promise to him? Ayoko na nga eh... I have to let go. Walk away.

Wait. Should I really just walk away? I want to see him cry. I want to make him feel the way I felt before and what I'm feeling right now. I want to show him what he has made of me. I want to hurt him. Just like what he did to me. Revenge is a dish best served cold. I guess the best revenge is that I  should be a better person than him. To not use other people just to satisfy a temporary high. To not use other people just to fill in those gaps and help repair damaged pieces of their selves.  To always be honest. To show him what he has been missing since he left. I'm sick of looking at him. To promise that if I'm ever gonna love someone again, I'll make sure that I am whole first. I know I will realize that. Hopefully soon.

I hate the way he laughs. I hate the way he cringes his nose when he doesn't like what he is seeing. I hate his smile. I hate the fact that he smokes. I hate his perfume. I hate the way he talks. I hate the way he could make me laugh with the simplest or corniest jokes. I hate that he made me feel in love. with him. I hate seeing him. I hate his lies. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

I give up. The only way  that I could really get over him is if I will hate him. Hate what he did. But will I be able to keep this facade? If each time I hear him laugh, I leap with glee. That when he cringes his nose, it means that I should remind myself that I should do something about the way I look or act. He reminds me of myself, being a person who walks imperfectly. If he smiles, I can see an angel that doesn't have wings. That I like his scent after  he smokes. And the fact that he makes me laugh with the simplest of things and silliest of deeds. That for once, he made me feel special and loved. He was able to show me that someone really cared for me. And if I see him, I fall again. The lies made me believe and fall in love with someone who I can never really have in the first place. Those lies gave me hope and faith. That for some time, it kept me alive. I wish he could have given me a "heads up" since I know that he already knew before then that we will never last. I'm still in love with him.

Will I be able to keep this facade? Someone help me. Destroy this player.

If only you could have been more honest.... I hate you.

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