Friday, June 25, 2010

Ut (Out)

I was just listening to a podcast. It was funny talaga. I got it from "the Migs" (MGG). I think you guys already know him. I was listening to the one about straight acting gay guys. Some gay people really find it hard to be themselves when they are around people who doesn't know their orientation. This is specially hard to effeminate gay guys who are around their brusko friends.

Hhhmmm. I remember when I was younger, my dad and mom would always make me "sita" when I act too soft or girly. From then on, I would always watch how I would act or eat or drink or work and so forth. Since grade school, people would always ask me if I'm gay. Of course, I would always tell them that I'm straight. I know then that I was straight. I was straight. Hahaha. I had to be extra careful on what to say, how to modulate my voice just to prove that I'm soooo macho nothing could make me gay. Hahaha! That was waaaaay back in grade school. As time went by, I got used to acting "straight" and I was kinda safe from the "lokohan" and "tuksuhan" ng barkada.

Then highschool came. I got more comfortable with the way how act. People say that I have the characteristics of a female and a male. I have the looks and charisma of a guy DAW but then they say DAW that I am refined and gentle like a girl. I think I had a good thing in me. And I think this is also the reason why both girls and guys say that they have a crush on me.

College came. I started to become really comfortable with my personality and what makes me peculiar. I wear clothes that are somehow fashion forward. Sometimes, I even wear clothes like a "stereotyped" metrosexual would wear. Androgynous, in some weird way. I had the guts to wear those kinds of clothes because people told me that they like the way how I carry or wear those clothes. I remember wearing a button down shirt soooo gay, gay-dars within a hundred mile radius would beep. I like the print and the color eh! I was kinda embarrassed when I first wore that shirt but a schoolmate (a cute girl schoolmate.... hihihihi)  told me that the shirt looks masculine on me because of how I carry it. And now I wear whatever I feel like wearing. I kinda like my own skin now.

Having qualities of both a man and woman can be an advantage sometimes.

Anyways, I'm typing whatevers going out of my mind na naman. Wala na namang direksyon ang tinatayp ko. Ayoko naman mag-edit..... haaaaaaaaaaay

We're talking about acting straight, right? Yeah. Well. Since my parents started to believe me that I am indeed straight, naging maluwang na sila sa akin. I relaxed a bit. And I was sooo used on being "straight" that I do it effortlessly now. But I could never imagine myself being the super out or loud gay guy. I don't even understand gay lingo. Even if I'm with my friends, I sort of look "straight". Malalim ang boses ko so ang weird naman kung magsasalita ako ng gay lingo... I tried joking with my friends nga eh... Okay... I tried gay lingo with Beau! hahaha!

These happened days after we watched "Here Comes the Bride". We were so affected by Angelica Panganiban's character that we took it with us...

We were eating somewhere in Glorietta...

Me: Beau, pa-chorva nga nun...

Beau: Eto oh... PAK!

Me: Huy! Tapos ka na kumain?

Beau: Yeah. Awra na tayo. Chikabels na!

We were laughing the whole day! It was kinda fun din pala.... But over a couple of days, we stopped doing that. One reason was that it was no longer funny and another reason was that dumadami na naman ang chismis sa aming dalawa ni Beau sa office. Hahaha!

On being out.. I dunno when I will have the courage to go out of the closet. I know that there will come a point in time that I will have to tell my family and my friends who I really am. I am always praying to our Heavenly Father to give me the strength once that day comes.

When I was younger, grade school, people think I'm gonna grow up gay. Maybe that was one reason I tended to be an overachiever since the time I started studying. Because being "smart" and being one of the "best students" gave you a "shield" from the "panunukso" and "pang-aasar". People respected you. I think I wanted to give my parents something to be proud of. My kuya was a member of the basketball team and gets MVP awards or whatever. My younger sister always win beauty pageants, she has both the beauty and brains. Syempre, hindi din ako magpapatalo! May beauty and brains din! Charot lang! (oooopppsss...sorry).

I grew up always attending school recognitions, winning quiz bees, being an honor student, an academic scholar. Maybe at the back of my mind, I was trying to ready myself. To have a reason for my parents not to hate me that they have a gay son. Pang-iwas ng disappointment sa akin. I tried to be the best son. I'm always well-behaved. Refined handsome, ika nga ni Amanda Bynes. Hahaha!

As of this moment, I am still inside the closet, not sure when I will come out to my friends or relatives. Pero sana kapag dumating na iyon, hindi sana maging "madugo". Hehehehe.

____________________________________

I've heard that there's such a thing as "selectively out" meaning out ka sa ibang tao but not to other people. Pinipili mo kung sino muna ang pagsasabihan mo.... And I think you can write my name under that list.

tack så mycket




tack så mycket




you know who you are




Wednesday, June 23, 2010

One of the many updates....

I was really sad for the past days.... Beau was the VERY FIRST person who approached me and asked me if there's something wrong... then he would make me smile....


By the way, there has been a person who keeps on calling me on my phone and texting me a lot... I asked who that person is but all that he (yes, I've called him once, then he picked it up... it was a he), said that I should call him by the name of "Jampong"

And that is very weird. When I called "Jampong", he sounded a bit like Beau. Then when I arrived at the office one morning, I noticed that Beau has been having a runny nose... and he sounded like "Jampong".

This "Jampong" guy would text me when I'm not in our office. And this guy knows my schedule! Stalker! (Ang "stalker" ay pangit while ang "admirer" ay maitsura. Stalker muna siya kasi hindi ko pa sya kilala. LOL)

Should I think now that "Jampong" is actually Beau? I think I've made a connection why he was calling himself "Jampong". Lately, Beau was into a Korean boy group Super Junior. And he would always tell me that I look like one of the Koreans there. He watches their music videos on his phone. Always. Hhhhmmm. As in paulit-ulit. Then he would always make comparisons between me and the members of that group....

By the way, just recently, we went out, along with my officemates. We ate lunch at a mall. Then he mentioned Enchong Dee. He asked me if I get to see him at school. I said yes, kasi we belong to the same college. He asked me if I was taller than him. I said yes. Then he asked me if I had fairer skin than Enchong. I said maybe (kasi nga swimmer sya eh). Then he asked me if I'm more handsome than Enchong?!?! I was kinda caught off guard. Then my gay officemate said "what's with that question?".... Honga naman? Bakit siya nagtatanong ng ganun? Hahaha!

Anyways, pipilitin kong malaman kung sino nga ba talaga si "Jampong!"

lögn (to lie)








Bakit ka pa magsisinungaling kung lagi ka naman nahuhuli/nabubuko? Tapos itatanggi mo pa eh may ebidensya ako? Akala ko iba ka... Buti na lang...









Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Quelqu'un m'a dit




I have been singing this song since I have started learning French. And that was like years ago. 


I didn't know what this song meant, but I was singing it like crazy. It's still on replay on my computer, phone, iPod...






Now I do know what it means. 








And this song makes me fall in love again and again and again. 






"serais ce possible alors ?"

Monday, June 21, 2010

något att minnas (something to remember)







"the greatest love story ever told is your own"










Tår Droppar




I wonder if he know he's all I think about at night...


Hold him tight. Give him all the love. And know you're lucky.


You get to stare at his eyes. Yeah. 


Lucky you.


You don't have to look at a picture.


I fake a smile so he won't see.

kärlek

When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love. Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn’t think it’s gross. You really shouldn’t say I LOVE YOU unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

Jag känner mig ledsen (I feel sad)

I felt sad after reading Bra Pojke's blog. I dunno why. Maybe he drew a picture of what I feel really feel each time I am with someone special. I always feel I'm home. Like I can do whatever I want. Like my bed, kayakap ang aking mga unan. I love long trips. And just like Bra Pojke, I could barely sleep when I'm travelling not unless I'm really tired or if I'm with someone who can look after me. Take care of me.


I always want hugs. To hug someone, whether it be a long lost friend or a stranger, needing a little bit of something that feels good. 


I think, now I know why I'm sad. Maybe because he mentioned a lot of things that I had experienced with a guy I really fell in love with. The bus. The coffee shop. The long conversations. Me waiting. The scent of his perfume.   I remember a lot of things. Why? I don't know. 


I miss him now. I have read some of the things that I have been writing here.


I love to read these IMs over and over.




Nate: i tried to protect you
Nate: kaya sana sa susunod mag-iingat ka
Nate: i care for you “Gaspard”

Nate: what i felt for you was real



Nate: believe it or not
Nate: pero wrong timing nga siguro

Nate: dont always let your heart rule over your brain
Nate: i mean mind
Nate: hehe

Gaspard: i'll be more careful
Nate: it's my responsibility
Nate: mahirap iexplain
Gaspard: how come responsibility mo na din yun?
Nate: coz you're part of my life
Nate: basta mahirap iexplain

I read them over and over until fall asleep. To be honest, I never delete his text messages. I keep all of them. When my old flip phone was no longer working right, I have tried everything to save the text messages in that phone. I read them over and over when I miss him. Sometimes, it does magic. It makes me feel like I'm always at home. Lying in bed,  buried under my comforter. 

I feel crappy right now. Now my vision is blurry. Sorry. Iyakin ako eh. Lalo na when I can't have what I wanted most. (Breathe in and then out...)

I want a hug right now. From someone who might care. I know that he's happy somewhere.

For the last time, I would like to hold his hand. For the last time, I would like to give him a tight hug. For the last time, I wish I could feel that same feeling before, that I could stay forever in his arms. That I have surrendered my life. That I could stare at his eyes knowing that everything's gonna be fine. That I could make him smile a bit even though he's tired from all the work he needs to do. That I could melt, once again, when he stares blankly into space and smokes a cigarette. 













I type anything that I want to in this blog.

Bagsakan ko ng aking nararamdaman.

Alam ko sabog sabog laman nito.

Paulit ulit.

Walang sense.









But for me, this is like a new friend. Someone who is very close. That I can tell anything, even my deepest and darkest secrets. This is an online journal. Written by a kid trying to act mature and smart. So that people may take him seriously and not just a superficial eye candy.


Wow. I have feelings pala.


Crap.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A TV advert from France (I like the message!)




This is kinda sweet. I wanna watch the French Film Festival at Shang! Weeeeeeh! Et c'est parce que je veux practiquer ma francaise! Heheh!

Förförelse (seduction)

I love reading. I love books. Actually I collect books. (And by the way, I have learned that you can only call them books if you have read them already. If not, then what you only have are stacks of paper and ink.) Going back, I collect books. But some of them are still stacks of paper and ink. Hahaha.


Anyways, I have made tambay at Powerbooks in Greenbelt. I have read a very interesting book. It was called "The Art of Seduction". Cool. You will know what type of person you are. Actually, I think it was very accurate.  These are the following types of seducer.


COPY+PASTE+ENTER ( tamad na mag-type at mag-edit)


In Part 1, Greene names the 10 types of seducers. For each, he names one or more examples from history, key concepts to understanding the character, and a fitting metaphorical symbol.
  1. The Siren () embodies freedom from social mores.
  2. The Rake () is an acknowledged cad, but seduces with intense, if temporary, attention.
  3. The Ideal Lover interprets the lost fantasy or broken dream and embodies it just long enough.
  4. The Dandy stirs repressed desires with his or her freedom and invented persona.
  5. The Natural seduces with childlike spontaneity, sincerity, and unpretentiousness.
  6. The Coquette (♀) is a tease, a master of hope and frustration.
  7. The Charmer is seduction without sex, using pleasure, comfort, and the gift of attention.
  8. The Charismatic draws attention to him/herself increasing their desirability with detachment.
  9. The Star feeds on escapist fantasies with dreamy but elusive language.
  10. Greene collects all negative characteristics in a persona called the The Anti-Seducer.

I have learned that I am what you call "The Natural". In short mga isip bata. I have read that some people tend to be attracted to "Naturals" because they want to remember a certain part of their personality. To revert back to the days that they were carefree and dynamic. People tend to attach themselves to these kinds of people because of the way they act. People mature and tend to grow leaving their "child-like attributes" behind. And in my opinion, it works! People want to break me or make me a naughty boy (yeah... madaming beses na) just because they think that I'm very innocent at may gatas pa sa labi. LOL. But the negative thing about being a "natural" is that just like children, we can be annoying at times. And kids are....well... act like kids... hahaha! And grown-ups sometimes hate that! (Totoo naman eh. Kung ako nga pati sa mga kapatid ko eh.)






I have nothing else to write na. I'm uber busy. I barely have time for myself. Well, I try to make time for myself. Kelangan na mag-work out at magpalaki ng katawan! Allons-y! 


_________________________________________________


And what type of seducer are you, by the way? Hehehe >:)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Comparisons (Jämförelser)

I know I have repeatedly done things that would make me forget what happened in the past. Its  just that I find it hard to move on. Yeah. I know. I still love him. But can I honestly say that I am no longer in love with him? Love him? Yes. In love with him? I don't know. I have tried to date some other guys out there. Did not work. I tried diverting my thoughts and feelings. Did not work. Oh well. I might just live with it, right?

I am a spoiled brat. I always want to get what I want.  I accepted that fact a long time ago, that it will not always happen. One small step for being more mature, huh? And maybe this is the time that I should realize that it also applies to people. That the ones that you really want to be with will just be a distant fantasy. A dream that will never be a reality.

I have tried to not speak to him at all. Not even text him, which is very hard for me. Over the course of the past months, I have learned self control. Pull myself together and just smile. Nangyari na eh. But each time I go to work, I secretly wish that I would bump into him. Start a short conversation. Each time someone sends me a text message, I'm always secretly hoping that it was him. (hands are trembling while typing....) But when I see him, I try to be casual which became very easy for me after months of practice. Magkaibigan na lang kami. How come there's an air of negativity in that sentence? Magkaibigan na lang kami. I think it should be more like "magkaibigan kami".

He told me that I was ignoring him. Yes. I was. And each time I do that, a piece of my soul falls off. After that, I try to pick it up and paste it back to its place.

After what happened last year, I have made a promise to myself that I will make my self whole again. Without using anyone as a band aid. Not a temporary high. I have done that. I have made myself whole again. After so much work done, am I gonna throw it all away again because of what I feel for him?

I have tried to go out with other guys. Not a lot. Chuck and Pojke. I honestly felt guilty. I don't want to use them. Niloloko mo na nga ang sarili mo, dinadamay mo pa ang iba.

And now here comes Beau. He's a friend to me right now. He's just a friend. I know I kinda like him but it would be totally unfair if I'm just gonna use him. But maybe if he doesn't know, he wouldn't even feel bad.

I know wala nang sense ang tina-type ko. I'm just typing whatever I'm feeling....


When I'm with Beau, I try to imagine that it was Nate that I'm with. When Beau smokes cigarettes, I remember the time Nate and I had conversations sa yosi area. When Beau gave a me piece of cake on his birthday, I remember the time Nate gave me a bite from a nice chocolate cake. When Beau gave me an ice cream, I remember the time when Nate and I discreetly walked together, the cold feeling of an ice cream on my left hand. When Beau asks me what time's gonna be my lunch, that he would wait for me to finish and I remember the time that I would wait for Nate to finish his tasks. When Beau and I eat together, I imagine him with glasses on. Smiling at me. When Beau holds my hand, I remember what it was like to feel the warmth of Nate's hand. "Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection."


Unconsciously or not, maybe I am finding a Nate in every guy that I meet. A need. But I know it should not be the case.


Maybe this is just an aftershock of what happened to me in that past. I am glad that he is happy with another person. I genuinely feel envious of that person that Nate's into right now.

I was able to talk with him again. I think I'm getting over the fact that he's never gonna be mine. And each time I talk with him, I try to smile. Laugh a bit. Parang tanga. He's being friendly and I should stay platonic.

Going back to the question, am I still in love with Nate? The answer would be yes.

Will I stay as a friend? Yes.

Do I still miss him? Yes.

Can I honestly say that I am/will be happy for him, no matter what decisions he will make? Yes.

Ipipilit ko pa ba ang sarili ko sa kanya? Hindi na.

Do I still hope that he will come back to me? No.

Am I tearing up while I'm typing this? Yes.











To be edited soon. Maybe tomorrow?

Another Beau Update! (This is getting old)

Yup. You're right! Another Beau update. I know this is just paranoia and he's just being a good boy. Guy, I mean. Heheh. We just watched a movie. He asked me to sit beside him. Ako lang naman yata ang nagbibigay ng malisya eh. Pero ano ba naman kasi eh! Ang hirap nya ispelengin! Should I just ask him? Should I? Oh God, help me. Maybe I should do the same thing that my officemate did to me (in my entry "confessions"). But maybe it will become awkward once I did that. Hmmm. Ano ba, Gaspard! Umayos ka nga! Hahaha! Wag ka muna maging malisyoso, Gaspard. Be a good boy muna. Let him make the first move. Hahaha!

The Model From Another Blog

Yey! We went to club last weekend ( I think... or maybe that was the weekend before that.. anyways, so it was a weekend). We went to Eivissa (tama ba ang spelling?) in QC (yata?!?). (OMD. Lumalabas ang pagka-probinsyano ko.) I had super fun that time. Probably because it was the first time that I went to a club without my parents. I know right! I went out with my friends and officemates. And because I don't drink or smoke, I just danced and partied the night away!



The place seemed very new to me. Maybe because I'm not really used to going at clubs to dance. I would prefer to chill at a coffee shop or make tambay at a bookstore (like Powerbooks) and just sit and read. I want a peaceful and quiet environment. I was not myself that night actually. I couldn't believe myself that I was dancing. I have two left feet kasi.



People were also being nice to me naman eh. Some of them even tried to start a conversation with me pero I was very shy and I just sat at our lounge. One of them even pinched my cheeks because she thinks I'm so darn cute. She said that I look like one of the actors in the Korean films or series that she watches. Uhm, kasi po part Japanese po ako. Hahaha. At the start of the evening, I was just sitting there. Sipping non-alcoholic drinks. Eating tacos and chips and dips. I was kinda bored until my officemates pulled me to the dancefloor. I felt like I was a geek full of zits, with huge eye glasses, suspenders and short shorts shoved on front of a crowd of supermodels. I hate that kind of feeling.



They told me to dance. Eeek! So I did. After a few seconds of shamelessly throwing my hands up in the air, I realized how stupid I looked. I went back to our couch. Hahaha! And sat there. Pretended that I was eating or drinking. They just pulled me back. I had no way of scaping these people. I might as well deal with it. It's kinda dark anyways. The lights were dim. Finally, my girl officemate taught me to just go with the music and feel the beat. Soon afterwards, I was enjoying the vibe and I was dancing.

And so we went deeper into the crowd. A huge muscular guy approached up. He looks more like one of the bouncers there. Scary. He was dancing in front of our girl officemate and keeps on touching her. My guy officemate told me that we should dance around my girl officemate so that she would't be harrased. And so we danced around her. All of a sudden, he disappeared for a few seconds and I found him behind me. He was grinding his you-know-what top my back and grabbing me on my waist and stomach. Waaaaaah! Isa pala sya sa mga sugo ni Lady Gaga! Natakot lang ako. I told my officemates what was happening so we went back to our couch. We were just laughing the whole time on our way back!


The title of this entry would be this because I saw a model, but this time from a different blog. We saw Jon Avila. He looks good din pala. He's tall. A bit taller than me. Pero syempre mas gwapo pa din ako sa kanya. LOL. Okay. Fine. He's fine. Hehehe. My officemates took a picture of him nga eh but I didn't bother to approach him. He was supposed to have a good time there and not be grabbed for a picture taking session. But I think he already knows that he's famous so he knows that people will want to have a picture with him. I remember some of my friends in college comparing him to me because we had the same facial features daw. In one picture lang naman yun yata eh. (Now, my officemates were comparing me to Enchong Dee. Oh, he was my schoolmate nga pala.)

I had a good time there. We got out of that club at around 4:30am or around five in the morning. As I was going down the stairs, a group of gay guys were talking, sitting on the steps. One of them said, more like shouted at me "Hey cutie! What's your name?". I wasn't expecting that. Well, yeah. Sort of. Hahahaha! I just smiled and walked away. Wait lang. Mukha ba akong kaladkarin? Hahaha! Hindi naman eh!