Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Comparisons (Jämförelser)

I know I have repeatedly done things that would make me forget what happened in the past. Its  just that I find it hard to move on. Yeah. I know. I still love him. But can I honestly say that I am no longer in love with him? Love him? Yes. In love with him? I don't know. I have tried to date some other guys out there. Did not work. I tried diverting my thoughts and feelings. Did not work. Oh well. I might just live with it, right?

I am a spoiled brat. I always want to get what I want.  I accepted that fact a long time ago, that it will not always happen. One small step for being more mature, huh? And maybe this is the time that I should realize that it also applies to people. That the ones that you really want to be with will just be a distant fantasy. A dream that will never be a reality.

I have tried to not speak to him at all. Not even text him, which is very hard for me. Over the course of the past months, I have learned self control. Pull myself together and just smile. Nangyari na eh. But each time I go to work, I secretly wish that I would bump into him. Start a short conversation. Each time someone sends me a text message, I'm always secretly hoping that it was him. (hands are trembling while typing....) But when I see him, I try to be casual which became very easy for me after months of practice. Magkaibigan na lang kami. How come there's an air of negativity in that sentence? Magkaibigan na lang kami. I think it should be more like "magkaibigan kami".

He told me that I was ignoring him. Yes. I was. And each time I do that, a piece of my soul falls off. After that, I try to pick it up and paste it back to its place.

After what happened last year, I have made a promise to myself that I will make my self whole again. Without using anyone as a band aid. Not a temporary high. I have done that. I have made myself whole again. After so much work done, am I gonna throw it all away again because of what I feel for him?

I have tried to go out with other guys. Not a lot. Chuck and Pojke. I honestly felt guilty. I don't want to use them. Niloloko mo na nga ang sarili mo, dinadamay mo pa ang iba.

And now here comes Beau. He's a friend to me right now. He's just a friend. I know I kinda like him but it would be totally unfair if I'm just gonna use him. But maybe if he doesn't know, he wouldn't even feel bad.

I know wala nang sense ang tina-type ko. I'm just typing whatever I'm feeling....

When I'm with Beau, I try to imagine that it was Nate that I'm with. When Beau smokes cigarettes, I remember the time Nate and I had conversations sa yosi area. When Beau gave a me piece of cake on his birthday, I remember the time Nate gave me a bite from a nice chocolate cake. When Beau gave me an ice cream, I remember the time when Nate and I discreetly walked together, the cold feeling of an ice cream on my left hand. When Beau asks me what time's gonna be my lunch, that he would wait for me to finish and I remember the time that I would wait for Nate to finish his tasks. When Beau and I eat together, I imagine him with glasses on. Smiling at me. When Beau holds my hand, I remember what it was like to feel the warmth of Nate's hand. "Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection."

Unconsciously or not, maybe I am finding a Nate in every guy that I meet. A need. But I know it should not be the case.

Maybe this is just an aftershock of what happened to me in that past. I am glad that he is happy with another person. I genuinely feel envious of that person that Nate's into right now.

I was able to talk with him again. I think I'm getting over the fact that he's never gonna be mine. And each time I talk with him, I try to smile. Laugh a bit. Parang tanga. He's being friendly and I should stay platonic.

Going back to the question, am I still in love with Nate? The answer would be yes.

Will I stay as a friend? Yes.

Do I still miss him? Yes.

Can I honestly say that I am/will be happy for him, no matter what decisions he will make? Yes.

Ipipilit ko pa ba ang sarili ko sa kanya? Hindi na.

Do I still hope that he will come back to me? No.

Am I tearing up while I'm typing this? Yes.

To be edited soon. Maybe tomorrow?

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