I always want hugs. To hug someone, whether it be a long lost friend or a stranger, needing a little bit of something that feels good.
I think, now I know why I'm sad. Maybe because he mentioned a lot of things that I had experienced with a guy I really fell in love with. The bus. The coffee shop. The long conversations. Me waiting. The scent of his perfume. I remember a lot of things. Why? I don't know.
I miss him now. I have read some of the things that I have been writing here.
I love to read these IMs over and over.
Nate: i tried to protect you
sa susunod mag-iingat ka sana
Nate: i care for you “Gaspard”
Nate: what i felt for you was real
Nate: believe it or not
Nate: pero wrong timing nga siguro
Nate: dont always let your heart rule over your brain
Nate: i mean mind
Gaspard: i'll be more careful
Nate: it's my responsibility
Nate: mahirap iexplain
Gaspard: how come responsibility mo na din yun?
Nate: coz you're part of my life
Nate: basta mahirap iexplain
I read them over and over until fall asleep. To be honest, I never delete his text messages. I keep all of them. When my old flip phone was no longer working right, I have tried everything to save the text messages in that phone. I read them over and over when I miss him. Sometimes, it does magic. It makes me feel like I'm always at home. Lying in bed, buried under my comforter.
I feel crappy right now. Now my vision is blurry. Sorry. Iyakin ako eh. Lalo na when I can't have what I wanted most. (Breathe in and then out...)
I want a hug right now. From someone who might care. I know that he's happy somewhere.
For the last time, I would like to hold his hand. For the last time, I would like to give him a tight hug. For the last time, I wish I could feel that same feeling before, that I could stay forever in his arms. That I have surrendered my life. That I could stare at his eyes knowing that everything's gonna be fine. That I could make him smile a bit even though he's tired from all the work he needs to do. That I could melt, once again, when he stares blankly into space and smokes a cigarette.
I type anything that I want to in this blog.
Bagsakan ko ng aking nararamdaman.
Alam ko sabog sabog laman nito.
But for me, this is like a new friend. Someone who is very close. That I can tell anything, even my deepest and darkest secrets. This is an online journal. Written by a kid trying to act mature and smart. So that people may take him seriously and not just a superficial eye candy.
Wow. I have feelings pala.