Friday, June 25, 2010

Ut (Out)

I was just listening to a podcast. It was funny talaga. I got it from "the Migs" (MGG). I think you guys already know him. I was listening to the one about straight acting gay guys. Some gay people really find it hard to be themselves when they are around people who doesn't know their orientation. This is specially hard to effeminate gay guys who are around their brusko friends.

Hhhmmm. I remember when I was younger, my dad and mom would always make me "sita" when I act too soft or girly. From then on, I would always watch how I would act or eat or drink or work and so forth. Since grade school, people would always ask me if I'm gay. Of course, I would always tell them that I'm straight. I know then that I was straight. I was straight. Hahaha. I had to be extra careful on what to say, how to modulate my voice just to prove that I'm soooo macho nothing could make me gay. Hahaha! That was waaaaay back in grade school. As time went by, I got used to acting "straight" and I was kinda safe from the "lokohan" and "tuksuhan" ng barkada.

Then highschool came. I got more comfortable with the way how act. People say that I have the characteristics of a female and a male. I have the looks and charisma of a guy DAW but then they say DAW that I am refined and gentle like a girl. I think I had a good thing in me. And I think this is also the reason why both girls and guys say that they have a crush on me.

College came. I started to become really comfortable with my personality and what makes me peculiar. I wear clothes that are somehow fashion forward. Sometimes, I even wear clothes like a "stereotyped" metrosexual would wear. Androgynous, in some weird way. I had the guts to wear those kinds of clothes because people told me that they like the way how I carry or wear those clothes. I remember wearing a button down shirt soooo gay, gay-dars within a hundred mile radius would beep. I like the print and the color eh! I was kinda embarrassed when I first wore that shirt but a schoolmate (a cute girl schoolmate.... hihihihi)  told me that the shirt looks masculine on me because of how I carry it. And now I wear whatever I feel like wearing. I kinda like my own skin now.

Having qualities of both a man and woman can be an advantage sometimes.

Anyways, I'm typing whatevers going out of my mind na naman. Wala na namang direksyon ang tinatayp ko. Ayoko naman mag-edit..... haaaaaaaaaaay

We're talking about acting straight, right? Yeah. Well. Since my parents started to believe me that I am indeed straight, naging maluwang na sila sa akin. I relaxed a bit. And I was sooo used on being "straight" that I do it effortlessly now. But I could never imagine myself being the super out or loud gay guy. I don't even understand gay lingo. Even if I'm with my friends, I sort of look "straight". Malalim ang boses ko so ang weird naman kung magsasalita ako ng gay lingo... I tried joking with my friends nga eh... Okay... I tried gay lingo with Beau! hahaha!

These happened days after we watched "Here Comes the Bride". We were so affected by Angelica Panganiban's character that we took it with us...

We were eating somewhere in Glorietta...

Me: Beau, pa-chorva nga nun...

Beau: Eto oh... PAK!

Me: Huy! Tapos ka na kumain?

Beau: Yeah. Awra na tayo. Chikabels na!

We were laughing the whole day! It was kinda fun din pala.... But over a couple of days, we stopped doing that. One reason was that it was no longer funny and another reason was that dumadami na naman ang chismis sa aming dalawa ni Beau sa office. Hahaha!

On being out.. I dunno when I will have the courage to go out of the closet. I know that there will come a point in time that I will have to tell my family and my friends who I really am. I am always praying to our Heavenly Father to give me the strength once that day comes.

When I was younger, grade school, people think I'm gonna grow up gay. Maybe that was one reason I tended to be an overachiever since the time I started studying. Because being "smart" and being one of the "best students" gave you a "shield" from the "panunukso" and "pang-aasar". People respected you. I think I wanted to give my parents something to be proud of. My kuya was a member of the basketball team and gets MVP awards or whatever. My younger sister always win beauty pageants, she has both the beauty and brains. Syempre, hindi din ako magpapatalo! May beauty and brains din! Charot lang! (oooopppsss...sorry).

I grew up always attending school recognitions, winning quiz bees, being an honor student, an academic scholar. Maybe at the back of my mind, I was trying to ready myself. To have a reason for my parents not to hate me that they have a gay son. Pang-iwas ng disappointment sa akin. I tried to be the best son. I'm always well-behaved. Refined handsome, ika nga ni Amanda Bynes. Hahaha!

As of this moment, I am still inside the closet, not sure when I will come out to my friends or relatives. Pero sana kapag dumating na iyon, hindi sana maging "madugo". Hehehehe.

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I've heard that there's such a thing as "selectively out" meaning out ka sa ibang tao but not to other people. Pinipili mo kung sino muna ang pagsasabihan mo.... And I think you can write my name under that list.

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