Monday, August 30, 2010


I had a date with my ex. Yeah. As in yung girl. You might be kinda shocked to find out na I had a girlfriend but yeah, I did. Let's start with how I met her.

I met her at a formal social gathering sa church namin. We were just teenagers then. She was, and still is, beautiful. Guys lined up just to have a dance with her. The thing that attracted me to her are her eyes. She looks like Angel Locsin actually.

And just like any other heterosexual guy (well, yeah. I was one), I liked her. And so I approached her as soon as the last guy escorted her to her seat. I asked her if we could dance. And she agreed.

Guys want what other guys want. I wanted her to be mine. But being a torpe guy that I was, and still am, I didn't know what to do or how to ask her out. So I just did what every other guy was doing. Hinabol ko sya. Hahaha! A lot of guys has been asking her out but I was kinda thinking why wasn't she interested to those guys. I tried my luck. And you know what? I knew that she had a crush on me since we went to camp together, somewhere in Laguna.

Nice. Ako na yata ang pinakamagandang lalaki sa mundo. Hahahaha! Mantakin mo yun? Hahahaha!

I asked her to dance with me. Her hands were soft. It felt like I could hold her forever. We danced the night away, and I never let go of her until the night ended. I asked for her number and she gave it to me right away and I escorted her to her room. That was the day I knew I loved someone. (I dunno then if it was really love or just infatuation.)

Things went smoothly. We were now a couple and people from different branches and wards kept on talking about how she and I became a "we" and an "us".

Suddenly, things changed. We didn't had time for one another. Maybe we fell into each other so fast it was sure to end quick. We were both busy with school, me, an academic scholar trying to get into the prominent universities here in the Philippines and she, trying to be the batch valedictorian. I know it sounds lame but yeah... that's how we ended... We had no formal break up what so ever. And to answer how it felt? I was like when Nate left me.

Just recently, I went out on a date with her. We went to a Japanese resto at Greenbelt 5. (By the way, you guys should try it. The food there is good.)

And so nagkamustahan lang kami. I asked her if ever she went out with someone when we "broke up". She said that she did not none stayed for good. Sabi ko pati din ako. I felt guilty. There she was pouring her feelings but I just sat there. I can't tell her why I was not there when she needed me or why I wasn't able to fix things up with her. But the night ended good. We were still in good terms but its no longer the same. Gaspard and Angel Locsin will never be an item anymore. LOL.

I escorted her to her car and watched her go her way. Yes. She is still pretty. (A common friend told me that she still wasn't over it. I know how she feels and it doesn't feel good.) But you know what, some people dont stay. Some go and we just have to face that fact. Its a hard lesson that we all should learn.

This entry is dedicated to the only girl that made my heart leap. I hope you'll find your prince soon, Angel. Take care.

Söndag (Sunday

I have to share this to you guys. I think that some of you may know that I try to go to church as often as possible. I was not able to go to church that often due to my work. (Laging stressed at gusto ko na lang magpahinga at matulog.) But you know what? I really think it should not be the case. Going to church always fills my soul with someone that I can't explain. That you are touched with the presence of our Father. I always try not to cry when we sing church hymns. LOL. For some reason, when I hear those songs, it always feels like I never left "home" and that they were always with me. Believe me. Those songs have powers.

A friend texted me about life's challenges. I just have to share this kasi I was really touched.

"Olives are crushed to make the best oil. Grapes are squeezed to make the finest wine. Roses are pressed to make the most fragrant perfume. Have you been crushed, squeezed or pressed by life's trials and difficulties?

Be glad because God is bringing out the best in you"

I know that He lives and He will always be there when we need Him.

I love those kinds of messages. It makes you smile and think that you are always blessed with what you have. I had a great Sunday.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Långsam (Slow....)

Yes. Manhid ako. I wouldn't know if someone's flirting with me or not. I would not know if someone's interested with me or not. I don't even get it. Sigh.

I just met this guy and we will call him "E" (tama! yung E sa chatbox na type ni Nate.. hahaha!). I also met some of his friends. Okay. So we will skip some of the details. Fast forward....

E's friend was really into me pala and it took me like 4 hours to get it. I didn't know na throughout the whole time, he was giving signs na pala. Maybe because I wasn't into him? Pero even I'm into someone, I wouldn't even know din eh.

For example....

Imaginary Guy: Hey! Let's go out and see a movie! Dinner will be on me...

Gaspard: Really? Nice! So when are we gonna go out?

Imaginary Guy: Hey! Let's go out and see a movie! Dinner will be on me... (Date tayo ha. And since it's gonna be a date, I'll treat you out.)

Gaspard: Really? Nice! So when are we gonna go out? (Waaah! Really??? Free food? Wow. That's nice of you! So when are we gonna watch a movie and eat out?)


I dunno. Am I just that slow to not get what people really mean? Hahaha! Maybe I need to work on this.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I will always love this song. And I did some changes sa lyrics. LOL.

Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until  - insert name here - is mine
Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me


Kiss (Kyss)

Let's talk about one of my favorite topics. Beau. I know I've been typing tons of stuff about him already but I don't even get tired of typing about him. Haha. Basta nakakatawa sya.

We were just having fun during our break. They usually go smoke but since I don't I just make tambay with them. Initially, we (officemates, ako at  si Beau) were just foolling around. And of course, there came a time na naiwan na naman kaming dalawa. Nagpapahintay lagi sya eh.

By the way, we were making fun of one another's features. Like kung maganda si ganito or panget si ganyan. Ang lakas ng trip namin noh? But we only tease one another. Ang asaran ay within the group lang. (At malakas mang-asar ang iba kong officemates. May mga diyos at diyosa akong officemate eh. LOL)

Going back, so kami na lang dalawa ang naiwan. Then he asked me if I could kiss him. I was kinda shocked kasi he said that nang kami na lang ang natira! Then he pointed his cheeks! (Honestly, my heart was pounding. I was thinking "eto na ba yun???" Hahahaha!)

My reply?

"Sige. Mamaya. " Sabay binatukan ko na lang sya. Sabay tawanan kaming dalawa.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay nako.... I really don't know what to do now. I really can not tell if he's really into me or this means nothing to him and he is just joking....

Anyways, after that happened, I kinda stayed away from him for the mean time. Hindi ko muna sya sinasamahan mag-lunch or even during our breaks. It didn't even bother me that he was not even talking to me. Then I had to call in sick. I was not able to go to work for like 3 days and when I came back, he was still the same. He did not even ask me if I was doing well na. Hindi ko na lang pinansin. "Friends" lang naman kami eh. (By the way, when he was sick, he sent a text saying that he was not feeling well. I didn't ask him to text me though... he just did.) (Okay...nonsense yun... hahahah).

Where are we? Ah..  tama... So I came back then he started to act more weird. He started to flirt with this cute girl officemate. In front of me. He would ask her to hold his hands. Ask her questions like when was the last time she was kissed. Or give a quick hug. All done in front of me. When I'm not with them, he doesn't even do that to her. Nagpapapansin lang ba si Beau or nagkakataon lang na nandun ako? By what the hell... Friends lang kami. (The cute girl officemate says that she doesn't like Beau but she prefers me. Hahaha! And her ex-bf was rumored to be gay. We call her ex-bf Foundation Boy. Haha. I think you already know why.... hehehe)

And just recently, we were supposed to go out together ulit but then he said that he had to go kasi he and his girlfriend is gonna go out on lunch....

Should I now get used to this? Wala naman kasing "thing" sa amin eh. We're just friends? Or nagpapapnsin lang siya? Or wala talagang kahulugan ang kanyang mga actions towards me? Ang gulo mo Beau!

I almost forgot! His last name in Portuguese means "kisses".... hhhmmmm... is he good at it? LOL

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Return of Chuck

I never really though that this would still happen. So there I was, walking somewhere in Salcedo when I bumped into Chuck. I just finished attending a VTR. His partner is not with him, which I find weird since I always see them together. Anyways, I don't talk to him anymore since I don't wanna get in the way of his relationship with his guy.

"Hey, kamusta na? Hindi ka na namamansin ah!"

"Ah okay lang ako. May pinuntahan lang ako...."

Hindi ako makatingin sa mata nya. He's wearing a blue shirt and shorts. I think kakagaling nya lang sa mall yata. Or from the gym. He asked me if I'm about to go home. I said yes. And it was kinda getting dark. I wanna go home as early as possible because it was my cousin's birthday.

"Samahan mo naman ako sa condo. Doon din naman ang way mo eh."

"Uhm. Ok."

So we were just walking. Nagkakamustahan lang kami. Ang weird na din kasi ang tagal na pala namin hindi nag-uusap ng maayos. Then all of a sudden, he asked me if I could go up with him sa condo nya. Dinner lang. I said na may pupuntahan ako. He insisted. Minsan na nga lang daw kami makapag-usap eh. I agreed. 

We were silent the whole time we were inside the elevator kahit na kaming dalawa lang dun. We got off the lift then straight to their unit. It was nice. The whole place looks calm and easy to sleep in. He was still behind me. I was looking at their LED TV. All of a sudden, he placed his hands on my waist. Chills went down my spine. Next thing I knew, he was hugging me.

"Remember when you told me na gusto mo ng kayakap. Okay ba ito?"

I wasn't able to talk. I turned around and faced him. I didn't know what came into me but I kissed him. There I said it. I kissed a guy who's currently in an almost 3 year relationship. He was kissing me back. Next thing I knew we were on their bed. He got his top off already. The pillows felt so soft. He was kissing my neck and I was kissing him back. On his chest. Arms. Shoulders. Neck. He was going down when I asked him to stop. He just smiled at me. More like a grin.

I was lying in the bed, Chuck on top of me. He was grinding his hard "you know what" against mine. It felt good. Hahaha. I laughed a little.

"I know you like that, Gaspard."

I was just moaning. Hahaha. And he was doing the same. Then he kissed me again.

I opened my eyes when I heard footsteps.



He got off of me. Stood up. I was sitting on the bed now.

Then I woke up from my dream.


I was catching my breath when I woke up. I really thought it was real. I still remember how the dream went. God. I dunno why I had that dream. Ayokong mangyari yun in real life.

Dapat ko pala talagang iwasan sya. Baka premonition ito. Hahaha!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hundra Saker (100 Things)

So it's been already a year? Ang bilis pala ng oras. Ng panahon pala. Basta.

So just to recap, this is what happened between August 7 of 2009 and August 7 of 2010...

  1. Traveled from Alabang to Makati.
  2. Applied for a job.
  3. Met a wonderful person, Nate.
  4. Fell in love with him.
  5. (for the first time)
  6. Met secretly.
  7. Saved photos and movie tickets.
  8. Talked over coffee.
  9. Laughed.
  10. Fell in love again.
  11. Kissed.
  12. Got devirginized. LOL
  13. Fell in love. Too fast.
  14. Became too attached.
  15. Was left hanging.
  16. Told something to Chuck.
  17. Screwed things up. Big time.
  18. Cried. A lot.
  19. Discovered a blog.
  20. Knew things that I shouldn't have.
  21. Cried. Again. Hahaha
  22. Went through an emotional roller coaster. (And it wasn't fun.)
  23. Avoided Nate.
  24. Fooled myself.
  25. Pretended to avoid Nate.
  26. Was infatuated with Chuck.
  27. Met secretly. Office. Parks. And so on.
  28. Flirted with Chuck.
  29. Was called a temptation.
  30. Things got out of hand.
  31. Was on the brink of having sex.
  32. Nothing happened. Good thing.
  33. Almost ruined Chuck's relationship with his partner.
  34. Thought that it's not right.
  35. Avoided Chuck.
  36. Met Pojke.
  37. Flirted. A lot.
  38. Did some thinking.
  39. Got tired of using other people to forget things and people.
  40. Reverted to blogging.
  41. Cried.
  42. Did silly things to forget Nate.
  43. Avoided Nate.
  44. Really avoided Nate.
  45. Met new people.
  46. Read blogs for inspiration.
  47. BEAU!!!
  48. Laughed.
  49. Went out.
  50. Thought.
  51. Guessed.
  52. Let Beau do his moves.
  53. Made a commitment to myself.
  54. Got rid of the things that remind me of Nate.
  55. Promised to be a new person.
  56. Went to the gym.
  57. Went to go sees and VTRs.
  58. Met cute and hot guys. Hehehe
  59. Appreciated all the things that happened to me for the past months.
  60. Learned new things about myself.
  61. Caught Beau staring at me.
  62. Didn't know what to do when Beau does something "weird".
  63. Finally got over Nate XP
  64. Became friends with Nate.
  65. Stayed away from Chuck and his boyfriend.
  66. Cut communication with Pojke.
  67. Inspired.
  68. Stressed over work.
  69. Studied.
  70. Had a crush on Beau.
  71. Laughed some more.
  72. Kinilig... (may english term ba dyan?)
  73. Stared at Beau from afar.
  74. Saved Beau's photos.
  75. Thought of ways how to tell Beau what I really feel.
  76. Met Kuya.
  77. Learned new things and perspectives.
  78. Learned to be somehow more mature.
  79. Became happy being single.
  80. Contented.
  81. Walked taller.
  82. Realized that a number of guys would want to go out with me.
  83. Humaba ang hair. Hahahaha!
  84. Realized that there is more to life.
  85. Ate a lot. Just like what I always do...
  86. Smiled.
  87. Had time for myself.
  88. Thanked God for the things that I have experienced.
  89. Looked forward for the things that will happen.
  90. Realized that the world really is small.
  91. Loved the fact that I have friends and families.
  92. I.
  93. Am.
  94. Gaspard.
  95. The.
  96. Model.
  97. In.
  98. That.
  99. Blog.
  100. Is now texting with Beau :P

Ang hirap pala mag-isip ng ganito. Hahaha. Basta. The 365 days of self discovery was kinda tiring pala.

Life! Bring it on. I am ready.


Nako! Baka kainin ko yung sinabi ko. Joke lang, Life! Be gentle. Hahaha

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

äldre bror (kuya)

Ang tagal na pala hindi nakapag-sulat ah! Eto na naman ako... Ehem. Ehem...

It has been months since I have started blogging here. It was a way for me to just release some thoughts that I have been keeping for soooo long. Well, at first that was my intention. As some weeks pass, I had started to keep this blog as my journal. An open book. And it was fun. This keeps my mind off of things.

Anyways, just recently, I had an opportunity to meet a friend. We have been exchanging e-mails since he started reading my posts. I really don't know why at first he was reading my blog. I don't see anything quite special here aside from the Über-emo nonsense that I keep on posting here. And so, I referred to him as a Kuya. I just decided to call him Kuya because just assumed that he's older than me. (Assuming!?!?)

He was able to give good advice and helped me think rationally. Special on those times that I was feeling quite depressed.

This is what happened. We have been sending e-mails to each other. He gives advice like a good Kuya would or should do. Hahahaha. I would often say that I hope that I could meet him in the future. And so he gave me his number. I wasn't really expecting him to give me his number right away. (Parang ang bilis naman ng future?)

And so we decided to meet at Alabang. And being the normal me, I texted him that I might be late. He said it's fine with him. (I was enjoying Salt eh.) (By the way, watch that movie. It's a must see.) At ang ending, si Kuya pala ang late. Hehehe. I was just browsing through language books at a bookstore. Then he called me.

Nandyan na si Kuya?!?

I wasnt expecting someone as young as him. I was expecting my "Kuya" to appear older. (Yung may puting balbas na...) Anyways, after the initial shock of seeing a younger Kuya, we just walked and talked and walked and talked some more.

He was sharing things. Even vocabulary words. Heheheh. I dunno if I should write here what are the things that we talked about. Hehehe. Should I, Kuya??? Hahaha. Maybe sa next entry na lang... Or I'll ask him first...

Ang dami ko nga ding nakain eh. Thanks Kuya for the treat! Hehehe. Actually, he told me na matakaw ako. Okay lang. Hehehe. Totoo naman eh.

And so it went well. It was the first time I was able to meet someone that I initially met over the internet. I didn't expect that I could make friends and meet good people through blogs or any other websites.

And now, he's giving me tips and advice, even blogs that he recommends that I should read. Hhhhmmmm. That was a good experience. I'm looking forward for the next one! hahaha


Next time ko na lang ito i-e-edit...


Hindi pala ako nag-e-edit ng mga entries dito... Hahaha!