Friday, July 29, 2011

กรกฎาคม (July)


This post was written on July 26, 2011.

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This will be, I think, one of the blog entries that I will remember the most. You know what? I have been happy for the past 9 months and a few days. I can honestly say that.
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First of all, I would like to apologize to my blog for I neglected you for quite some time now. I’m sorry that I was not able to replenish you with my new adventures and how I fell in love over and over again with the same guy, how I lost a few things and how I was able to replace them with better things.

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I’m actually listening to our songs as I type this entry. He’s, Luch, already asleep on the bed while I’m typing this. I dunno. Maybe inspiration just hit me now.

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I know that July is about to end and there is not much that I could write really.

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School has been the same. I was able to get a hang of school na. Matagal na din. And we already had our midterms. The usual things happened. I typed a number of reflection papers, hurried through reading articles and books. Crammed over studying for midterm exams and quizzes. Coerced myself to think more like a well-read man just to write a quality poem that I wasn’t even able to pass because I got late for our class. I also started to notice that there are only a number of guys sa school na I can consider cute/pogi/interesting. Parang kumonti yata. Lalo na sa college naming. If dunno if it’s just me or what.

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By the way, my Android phone got stolen. Nanghihinayang lang ako kasi ayun yata ang isa sa mga bagay na I’m very proud of. Why? Kasi ayun lang yata ang isa sa mga bagay na ako ang nag-ipon at bumili without the help of my parents or anyone. Sariling dugo at pawis kumbaga. I was riding a bus going back to Makati. I think it was usual that the bus is full. Siksikan talaga. Kulang na lang magkapalit kami ng mga mukha sa sobrang siksikan. (Lugi naman ako! Hahaha). The next thing I know, I got off the bus sa Buendia then when I wanted to text, wala na ang aking beloved mobile phone. When I met with Luch that night, I just cried. Not because kasi nga pinag-ipunan ko iyon. It’s because of the pictures, videos, messages and all. The recorded voice messages, our monthsary pictures, our videoke videos and all. Good thing I had a pattern lock on that phone so no matter what the magnanakaws do, hindi nil mapapakinabangan ang aking phone! (Evil laugh!) I just hope that they will take care of that phone. I remember this day ending with Luch giving me a very big, warm hug. And all things that I ever lost got replaced with something better.

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It was also my first time to ride the PNR (Philippine National Railways). Nagpahatid kasi yung sister ni Luch going to her school. At first, okay lang naman ang trip going North. By the time we got off to our destination and I bid goodbye to Luch's sister, kumulo na ang akin sikmura. Grabe lang. Ewan ko ba sa aking morning sickness. Ang ending, na-jebs ako sa isang station. Okay naman ang toilets sa station na iyon. Malinis. Siguro dahil ako nag unang gumamit nun kasi nag umaga pa. Goodluck na lang siguro kung afternoon na. On my way back to Buendia via PNR, O.A. nag pagkasiksikan. As in hindi ako makahinga. Feeling ko nag lahat ng libag, pawis, kukurikabu ng mga tao doon ay dumikit na sa balat ko. Kaya't pagdating na pagdating ko sa condo, naligo ako ng bonggang bongga! I scrubbed myself raw!

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This is the season for VTRs and go-sees ulit. I think I have to a number of go-sees and VTRs already but to no avail. Sigh. I missed the days when I used to book jobs left and right. I don’t think I’m that old na naman. I’m just 21 eh. Sigh. Marami na din kasing mga bago eh. Dumagdag pa ang mga foreigners. Oh well. I’ll just keep on trying diba?

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I was on my way to my next class when I felt something landed on my hair. Kadiri lang. Jebs ng ibon. Syempre dahil maarte ako, dali-dali akong pumunta sa pinakamalapit na CR at nagbanlaw ng buhok. I didn’t care kahit na sabihin nilang bakit doon na ako naliligo or nagbabanlaw ng buhok. Basta EEEWWWWW! Ayoko na ulit mangyari yun. Sabi naman ni Luch swerte daw iyon. Sana nga.

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It was our 9th monthsary and we decided to watch one of my favorite movie series of all time, Harry Potter. I enjoyed the whole film though I can say that I wasn’t really surprised on how it was realized. I prefer to enjoy Harry Potter using my imagination. (Bakit parang iba ang dating? Hahaha) I remember watching the very first Harry Potter film. It was waaaaaay back when I was in elementary. Parang kelan lang. As soon as the last film ended, I felt I grew old. Ewan ko ba. Luch and I went sa CR to freshen up. As we were about to exit the mall, Luch told me na one of the bekis sa cinema tried to make boso sa kanya when he was taking a leak. (Conyo lang eh!) Napikon lang ako. Gusto ko sugurin ang baklang malanding iyon. Sana talaga patay na iyong baklang yun. Kasama ang magnanakaw ng phone ko. Bad trip. Pero okay lang. The 18th of July was splendid. It was another mark indicating that we survived each others insecurities, flaws, strengths and weaknesses. I’m in love him so much. More than my whole life. More than my own world.

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It’s almost August and it’s almost Luch’s birthday. I’ve been looking forward to his birthday kasi it’s gonna be his very first birthday with me in his life. Actually, up to this moment, hindi ko alam kung ano ang ireregalo sa kanya. I was actually thinking of giving him something that he could wear all the time. Something that he could look at all the time. I will not care about the price. Basta I hope to find something that will always remind him of me. Excited na ako. Kasi bukod sa birthday nga ni Luch, it’s gonna be our 10th month together na din.

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Nag-away kami ni Luch kani-kanina lang. I was on my usual spy/stalker mode, checking on Luch’s online activities. I know I’m wrong pero I did it anyways. Maybe I just got used to doing that almost all the time. Well, I saw something online that I wanted to ask him. Pero I thought it was better for him to just tell me so I kept on asking him. I will not elaborate anymore on this. While we were having dinner, I was asking him kung ano ang nangayari sa araw nya. If there was something that he wanted to tell me. Of course, in the back of my mind, there is something that he is hiding from me.

“Ano ang sinabi sayo ni _ _ _ _ ?”

“Bakit gusto mong malaman?”

“I’m just curious.”

I know this all falls down to me having lack of faith in him. I remember having this kind of talk the last time. He told me na if I am to be paranoid again, and get into his private stuff and wala naman pala akong dapat ikabahala, he will think whether it’s healthy for us to continue this relationship or just end it. We don’t want it to be an ugly cycle.

Towards the end of our conversation, he told me how to make life simpler. And that is to get rid of things and people that complicate your life.

“Now, I’m thinking whether I wanted to have a simple life again,” he told me.

I smiled back at him.

“I think it’s better if you have a simple life.”

Now he is sleeping on his bed and me on a chair typing what happened on this month. To tell you the truth, I was not sure how long we could last. I know I’m in love with this guy but all I did throughout the months that we were together was selfishness.

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I think he’s asleep now, with a heavy heart because of me.

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I’m here playing our songs. Listening intently to each and every word the love songs say to me. I’m still madly in love with this guy. But if I suffocate him, if I make it harder for him to live, if I’m becoming more of a hindrance, who am I to stand in his way?

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I was so sad. It almost felt like its the end of our relationship. I was so sad that I wrote a "break up" letter. All the things that I wanted to tell Luch. Everything. The things that I will miss and the things that I did to him, the things that I'm ashamed of, the things I was proud of. Things that made me fall in love and the things that made me stay in love with him. I will not post that letter here. I don't know if I will post it here at all. I was weeping the whole time I was writing this.

The letter ended with...

"Mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Titingnan na ulit kita habang natutulog ka."

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This post is written on July 29, 2011.

Nope, hindi pa kami naghihiwalay ni Luch. Hehehe. Reason? We love each other. But Luch learned that I was preparing myself if we were to broke up eh kaya nalungkot sya sa akin. Ano ang ginawa nya? Hindi nya ako pinansin ng buong magdamag. Though the morning after we talked, pinansin na nya ako, pero he hasn't kissed me yet. Wala ding jerjer.

Pero grabe naman ang parusa nya! He was basically teasing me! He was moaning, licking my nipples, touching my privates but he told me not to do anything. All he did was to tease me at walang nangyari! I can't even kiss him or touch him!

He told me that he was very hurt because of the things that I said to him. He asked me that if I really love him, pahalagahan ko naman daw sya at huwag lang puro feelings ko. I know. I understand. He told me that he has changed and so should I. Hindi na daw reason ang "bata pa ako". I'm freaking 21 years old!

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Luch and I watched Crazy Little Thing Called Love on my laptop one evening. At first, ayaw nya panoorin yun kasi nga he's still disappointed with what I've done pero in the end, nanood pa din kami. Mahal nya pa din talaga ako. Hehehe.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love is a Thai movie about falling in love for the first time. Falling in love and seeing what love can do to you and what love can change in people. After the movie, Luch and I just talked, reminiscing about the days when we were still in elementary and high school. Napag-usapan namin yung mga crush namin nung mga bata pa kami. Yung names ng crush namin. Yung may mga motto pa sa slum books. Yung cute guy na sa upper year. Yung gwapong anak ng teacher at yung escort ng ibang section. Sigh. It's nice kung pwede tayo maging mga bata ulit noh? Yung tipong kikiligin ka kapag nag-hi or hello lang sayo yung crush mo. Hihihi.

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Sabi ni Luch cool off daw muna kami. Cool off pero magkasama kami kumain, magkatabi kami matulog, yakap namin ang isa't-isa, lambingan lang PERO hindi nya ako sinasabihan ng "I love you", walang kiss or jerjer na magaganap. Ang sweet pa din ni Luch kahit na "cool off" lang muna kami. Hehehe.

When I say "I love you, Luch", he just smiles and hugs me. Tapos magsasalita ng "Thanks." Hahaha! Naghihiganti pa din sya sa akin.
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I was in school kanina when he texted me "Phm rak khun ta!"

It's Thai. May hangover pa yata sa napanood namin na movie. Hehe.

Kinilig na lang ako bigla.

It really is different when you're in love with your boyfriend. At alam na alam mo na may matindi ka pa ding crush sa kanya kahit kayo na. Hehe.

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I love you, Luch. I'll see you again next week!

Again, happy 9th! Malapit na ang birthday mo!