Sunday, November 27, 2011

Att Hålla En Tyst

I type a lot of things here in this online journal.  But there were some I don't have the courage to even post. The emotions and ideas that I typed, I think, were so raw and unfiltered. I don't post them because I think it will have negative consequences on me and my boyfriend. Those entries were too personal to even post them online,I'd rather read them to myself. I think those entries were some of my most beautiful, not because it was well written but it's because those were the entries I've written when I'm truly inspired, when I'm really stupid, when I feel really bad and on the verge of breaking down, when I see no point in continuing this madness, when I feel like love is not really enough, when I feel like I couldn't forget the things that happened in the past, when I don't trust, when I'm unfaithful, when I don't give a damn anymore. But I won't post them.

There is something about us. 

I've learned that there will always be some things that should only be known by you. There should be something that should be left private and for your eyes only. You should know how to shut it. You should know how to feign emotions.You should keep it to yourself even though at some point, you feel that your knees could no longer bear the weight.


Adele - One and only

In silence, you will learn how to value yourself. And be honest to the only person you should never tell lies to. Yourself.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Ingen Annan Kvinna

We celebrated our 13th monthsary without each other. And the fact that we can't see each other for almost a whole week because Joe was with Luch. At least I had the whole week to myself. Actually, it wasn't that bad after all. I was able to do my own stuff.

But what if...what if lang naman...what if hindi si Luch ang partner ko ngayon? Or what if single si Luch nung nagkakilala kami? What could I have been doing now kung ganoon nga yung nangyari? Napaisip lang naman ako...Hhhhmmm.

Finally, I was able to watch No Other Woman. It was okay. Not bad. But I think it could have been better. Magaling ang pag-arte ng mga artista. I was able to feel the characters, maybe because I'm "sort of" in that situation. Ako na talaga. Ako na si Anne. LOL. (Ang hot nina Anne and Christine. Lalo na si Derek. Kanin na lang ang kulang.)




natawa ako sa video na yan. PANALO talaga! Hahaha! Paano kaya kung ganoon yung mga lines sa movie talaga? Haha.

_________________________________________________

Ang nais ko lang iparating sa entry na ito ay masaya magmahal at mahalin...pero wag kang lapit nang lapit sa isang manok na nakatali na. Hindi rason na kapag nakatali na, mas madaling mahuli. Wag ganon. Kasi, kapag ikaw ay na-in love sa isang nakatali na, may chance na 1 week kayo hindi magkikita, ang Valentines mo ay every Feb. 15 or 16 at lagi kang nagmamadali na baka ikaw ang mahuli.

Love you Luch! Happy 13th! :)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Vår Hund

Sunday last week, our dog passed away. 

Naging kaibigan ng pamilya namin ang aso namin for almost a decade. Ang hirap din mamatayan ng isang alaga. Lalo na kung mahal na mahal mo ito. 

Nung gabing napansin namin na nanghihina ang aso namin, nagmamadali kaming naghanap ng vet although gabi na. Tawag ako ng tawag sa mga clinic pero sarado na daw sila. Sabi ko na emergency. Puro sila pero ng pero. Siguro para sa mga taong iyon, mas mahalaga na makapag-pahinga na sila kesa sa buhay ng mga alaga namin. Naawa ako sa aso namin. Nainis ako sa mga vet.

Masasabi kong ang isang pet ay maituturing mo na bestfriend. Isang bestfriend na never ka gagalitin. Bestfriend na kapag ikaw ang nagalit sa kanya, sya pa ang magso-sorry. Bestfriend na never ka tatalikuran. At laging hihintayin ang iyong pag-uwi.

Since we were not able to find any doctor who can accommodate us, my dad and I just went back home. We did some first aid on our dog but she's becoming really weak too fast. I didn't know what's happening.

My dad told me that I could just go to bed. Maghihintay na lang kami ng umaga at dadalin agad namin ang aso namin sa bukas na animal clinic. In my mind, that's the last time I will see her alive.

Around 4am, our dog died. My dad, who was the closest to our dog, was talking to her.

"Alam kong matanda ka na. Salamat ng marami sa pagbabantay sa pamilya ko. Naging mabuti kang kaibigan. Makapag-papahinga ka na. Mahal ka namin."

My dad was crying when he said that.

With one last breath, our dog cried and with an instant, she became lifeless.
We buried her in our backyard. All of us were crying. My dad dug the grave.

Nung nililibing na namin ang aso namin at tinatabunan na namin siya lupa, napahinto nang pagtatabon ng lupa si Papa.

Humahagulgol siya. Alam kong para sa kanya, parang nawalan na din sya ng isang anak.

__________________________________________________________________

I was inside my room. Looking at the mirror, checking of I have zits. Assessing if my going to the gym has a positive effect on my build. Then I heard something.

"I love you!"

I was the only person inside my room.

It was my little sister's dog stuffed toy.

I pressed it, hoping that it will squeak "I love you" again but it didn't.

I asked my mom if it's still working. Sabi nya, hindi na daw. Wala na daw kasing battery.

Nagpaparamdam na din pala ang mga aso ngayon? I just smiled.



"I know. And I love you too. Magpahinga ka na. 'Til we meet again, friend."




By the way, the picture's the statue of Hachiko. You'll love their story.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Min Helg

I guess this is one of the weekends that I was really able to enjoy. Bibihira na lang din naman kasi ako tumambay lang or lumabas para gumala at mag-party.

Luch and I had appointments sa DFA for our passports so we really had to wake up early. Good thing we came on time. After that, balik na kami agad ng condo para matulog ulit. Basically, we just lazed around the whole afternoon and evening. Bumangon lang kami ng kama para mag-prepare sa pupuntahan namin.

To tell you the truth, I'm not the kind of person you'll see going to a party. I feel awkward when I go to parties. The ony part that I enjoy most likely is the preparation. Yung tipong maghahanap ka ng pamporma para mapansin ka. Hehehe. Oh well. Kasi naman, I don't drink and I don't smoke. Yes. I go to parties pero I NEVER drink and I NEVER smoke. Nasanay na ang mga friends ko sa akin kaya hindi na nila ako pinipilit. It's part of our religion kasi eh.

So ayun nga. This past weekend, Luch and I got invites from Hennessy Artistry. Ang sosyal lang ng event. Syempre, casual chic daw ang kailangan na damit. Since I always strive to look good sa kahit na anong klaseng event (kahit pa bibili lang ng fishball sa kanto), hinalungkat ko ang aking baul para makahanap ng pamporma. Success naman kasi I was well put naman sa event and I looked like a freakin asian James Dean! Yeah. Coz that's how I roll. Joke lang. Hahaha.

I helped Luch with his clothes din. When we're done altering our gowns (yes, naka-red Valentino gown si Luch at ako naman ay naka-Yves Saint Laurent mini. HAHAHAHA). But seriously, I made him look dashing as ever. Pero I was really touched when he said he's so proud of me, especially now that we're going to an event together. Ang gwapo ko daw kasi. Napangiti ako. Nang nakanganga. Labas ang ngipin. Hehehe.

Iba pa din talaga kapag pinuri ka ng mga mahal mo sa buhay. Mas malaki at mas malakas ang impact.

So we were able to go to the event. At akala ko pa, sinundan kami ni Joe pero buti na lang ibang car pala yun. The evening was full of beautiful people, or feeling beautiful people. Parang ako lang. Hahaha. Nandun din si Cliff na matagal ko na ding crush. I instantly drooled nung nakita ko siya sa stage, hosting. Pinigilan lang ako ni Luch. Dito na din nagsimula na bigyan kami ng mga drinks.

When we went inside Opus, it was a different environment. Bar mode na talaga kami. I've never seen Luch move to any kind of musical beat so it was kinda weird. Yeah, I know. More than a year na kami pero ngayon ko pa lang sya nakitang umiindayog sa musika. Ang weird din daw na makita nya akong gumigiling sa beat ng mga sexy DJs.

Dapat din pala na kahit minsan, hindi kami magkasama ni Luch. Wala na kasi kaming mapag-usapan sa bar eh. Hehe.

Madaming beki sa loob ng bar. Naamoy ko si Tim Yap 500 feet away. Hahahaha. I think naisipan ng mga beki na sa left side ng bar magtipon. I dunno why.

I gave all my drinks (props) to Luch, who drank it for me. Nakakahiya naman na bibigyan ako ng alak tapos hahawakan ko lang buong magdamag so binigay ko na lang kay Luch. I think in total, Luch had 8 glasses of expensive liquor. Hehehe.

Luch was able to see some of his friends. And also his former fling, na-SUPER BEST FRIEND KO SA BUONG MUNDO. At dahil super best friend ko ang lalaking yun, hindi kami nagpansinan. (I'll tell more about him maybe in the next posts to come.)

Para mawala ang tama ni Luch, we decided to eat muna sa Mcdonalds. After a bit of walking and exploring Resort's World, we decided to call it a night. It was a really great evening, though I didn't drink.

May konting pagkakahawig ang gabing ito sa mahiwagang gabi ni Cinderella. Pero di tulad ni Cinderella, hindi nawala ang sapatos ko, kasama kong umuwi ang Prince Charming ko, gwapo pa din ako pagkalampas ng hating gabi at higit sa lahat, hindi ito isang fairy tale. At lahat nang nangyari ay tunay.

Tunay dahil ramdam ko ang init ng mga yakap ni Luch.
Tunay dahil naririnig ko pa din ang tunog ng musika sa aking mga tenga.
Tunay dahil mas malakas pa sa tunog na iyon ang pagsasabi sa akin ni Luch na mahal nya ako.
Tunay dahil may hangover pa din daw si Luch sa dami ng alak na nainom nya.
Tunay dahil masakit pa din ang paa ko.
Tunay dahil walang fairy godmother.
Tunay dahil kasama ko si  Luch.

____________________________________________________________

This Saturday naman, I went out on a date with my little sister. She's actually 12 years old now and we're as close as ever. Dalaga na ang aming baby. Dati ay nabubuhat ko pa sya. Ngayon, ako na ang binubuhat nya. Hahaha!

Ang plan namin, pumunta sa mall na todo ang porma. Wala lang. Yung tipong overdressed ka. Trip lang namin magpa-pansin. Hahaha. Minsan lang naman din kasi kami lalabas ng magkasama.

We just went to the mall, watched a movie together and ate dinner together.

Ang ending, iika-ikang umuwi ang kapatid ko dahil sa taas ng heels na suot nya that day. At ako naman hindi makahinga sa corset na suot ko. LOL.

Akala siguro ng mga tao na mag-boyfriends kami kasi sa sobrang close namin. At tsaka kasi she looks older than her real age dahil sa height nya.

She's one of the reasons why I go back to Cavite on weekends instead of just staying here in Makati :)

I love my little sister and I hope she wouldn't change a bit.

______________________________________________________________________

I really had fun on these days. Iba pa din pala ang pakiramdam when you hang out with people that are very dear to you.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Nu Visar

Tulad nga ng nai-post ko the last time HERE, I have new projects.

And...

Lumabas na ang aking newest commercials! Yey!

Two of them actually.

Yung isa kasama si Erich, Angelica and Gretchen for a shampoo.

The other one's with Ai Ai De Las Alas for a laundry detergent.






Hanapin nyo ako dun! Hahahaha!

Halloween :)

Just this past Halloween, I was able to attend a party with my closest college friends. There were also some people na I wasn't able to get along with. Anyways, that party went pretty boring for someone like me who doesn't really drink nor smoke. Oh well. Mura lang naman ang ticket. Pero I still want to get a refund.

Since it was a Halloween party, it was required that we should come wearing a costume. Since manggagaling ako ng Cavite nun, hindi ko na binalak dumating ng naka-costume. Hassle kaya kung sasakay ako ng MRT. Hindi kasya ang Victoria's Secret wings ko.

So ayun nga.

I was able to chat with my close friend / coursemate / orgmate / collegemate / schoolmate / classmate. She told me that she was very thankful na her ex broke up with her or else she wouldn't realize na there are other men out there who's better than her ex. She couldn't even mention her ex's name so we just called him ex. So there, we were able to talk about a lot of things. I asked her kung malaki ba. Sabi nya mas malaki yung kay current boyfriend. Mas malaki ang pagmamahal nya. (Kung titi ang naisip mo, hindi ka nag-iisa. Hahaha.)

At nasabi nya pa sa akin na dati daw, nang sila pa ni Ex, kapag tinatanong nya daw si Ex kung bakit nya daw mahal ang friend ko, eh kasi dahil daw mabait ang friend ko, maganda, maalaga etc. Sabi naman ni friend ko, dapat daw hindi ganun ang sagot. Hindi mo daw dapat alam kung bakit mo mahal ang isang tao. Ika nga ni Shakespeare sa Sonnet 116 (level up na!), love can never be measured.

Napaisip tuloy ako.

Bakit ko mahal si Luch?

Actually hindi ko alam ang sagot. Natural yata na hindi magkasundo ang utak at puso ko sa usaping "love". Basta ang alam ko na lang, mahal ko na siya. Kaya nga "falling in love" ang tawag eh. Kusa ka na lang mahuhulog nang hindi mo alam. Kung alam natin kung kelan at paano tayo mahuhulog, edi dapat wala nang taong mahuhulog sa kanal, tulad ng maganda kong kapatid. (Maganda nga, tanga naman. Sigh.)

Mahal ko siya kasi…

Kasi he makes me laugh? Hindi naman siya clown. At hindi din siya kalbo para magpatawa.

Kasi he's goodlooking and hot? Madami din naman dyan. May iba nga na mas gwapo pa sa kanya na nagpaparamdam sa akin dati.

Kasi matalino sya? Siguro pero hindi lang naman iyon eh.

Kasi maalaga at maaalalahanin siya? Hindi naman ako naghahanap ng caregiver or yaya.

Kasi mahal ko siya? Oo. Sapul. Sakto. Tumpak. Korak. PAK!

Mahal ko si Luch kasi mahal ko siya. Hindi ko na kailangan na iba pang rason.


Sa Halloween party na iyon, may ni-recruit na manghuhula ang mga organizers. Diba ang bongga? Instant Quiapo ang bar na pinuntahan namin. So ayun nga, nagpahula ako. Ako yung tipo ng tao na hindi nagpapahula kasi hindi naman ako naniniwala sa mga ganun. Siguro dahil iyon ang mahigpit na turo sa aming simbahan.

So ayun nga. Nagpahula ako sa babae. Skeptical pa din ako kung manghuhula ba talaga iyon. Kasi naman. Naka pink na bra lang si ate at mahabang skirt. Complete with fairy wings pa. At kakatapos lang ni Tinkerbell (na mas malaki pa ang Adam's apple sa akin) magpahula.

So ayun. Nagulat lang ako. Ang manghuhula pala ay friend ko lang din from college / orgmate / ex-gf. Oo. Ex-girlfriend. Straight pa ako nang mga panahong iyon. Pero it didn't work out between us. Hindi kasi sya magaling na top eh. HAHAHAHAHA! (Biruan lang namin yun sa isa't-isa na mag-ex kami. Close lang talaga kasi kami with each other. She's one of my closest friends talaga.)

She told me that she was able to learn the art of palm reading from an expert. Feeling ko naman niloloko lang ako nun pero nagpahula na din ako.

Life - Mahaba naman daw ang magiging buhay ko. Though there will be two instances in my life na will be very difficult for me to handle. She told me that I grew up with a hard life and it will most likely end kapag nasa late 20s na ako. Maganda naman daw ang magiging buhay ko in the near future.

Career - Up to this moment, hindi pa din daw ako sure sa magiging career ko. Kasi magulo daw ako mag-isip. Magaling daw ako sa iba't-ibang bagay pero sa isa lang daw ako magiging truly happy. I will be very successful with my chosen career and I will have fun daw at the same time. Learn how to prioritize and value time.

Money - I will have lots of money pero I don't have the ability to save daw. Mag-ingat lalo na sa pera.

Religion - I was raised in a conservative Christian family though I don't have strong spiritual foundations kasi at this moment, I'm enjoying the things that I like doing than the things God wanted me to do. Natamaan ako dun. Sobra.

Love - Magiging masaya daw ang buhay pag-ibig ko. In this life daw, I will only have 4 relationships. 2 of them will be short and will not really mean anything to me but the other 2 will be very significant for me, will change me as a person and will also last for a number of years. She also asked me if one of us is cheating daw. Hhhhmmm. Naisip ko si Joe bigla.

Number of Children - Hinawakan nya ang aking lalamunan. Kung ilang buwan na daw. Chos. Malabo naman daw na magka-anak ako kasi nasa CR/toilet ang magiging anak daw namin ni Luch. Huwag daw ako mag-ilusyon. Hahaha.

Natapos ang Halloween party at nakauwi ako ng 5am na. Napailing na lang si Luch sa akin. Masyado na daw late yun. In fact, umaga na nang umuwi ako. Tsk tsk.

Naikwento ko sa kanya ang nanghula sa akin. Pati na yung love part.

"Alam mo Gaspard, Bebeboink, ako na ang pang-apat. Hindi mo alam na naka-3 ka na dati at ako na ang huli. Wag ka na mag-expect na may darating pa."

Kung tatanungin ko sya kung bakit nya ako mahal, siguro alam ko na ang sagot. Kasi mahal nya ako. Higit pa sa inaakala ko. Higit pa sa alam ko. Mahal na mahal nya ako.

Nagtapos ang Halloween week na may ngiti na naman sa aking mga labi at ang mga dapat na magiging anak namin ay nai-flush na naman sa toilet.



Hope everyone had a great Halloween!

Avstånd och Tid

Luch told me that there is a great possibility that he will be sent to India and will stay there for 6 months for work. Of course I didn't know how to react to that news so I just answered with the most generic of answers. I said "Okay lang."

When Luch told Joe about that, he cried about it since this will be the first time, in years that they were a couple, that they will be physically separated for a span of time. Kasi up to now, never pa sila naghiwalay nag ganoong katagal at ganoong kalayo.

I immediately thought na, of course, Joe can just follow Luch there. He has all the resources since he's a doctor. He can just drop by there anytime he wanted to.

Going back to my situation…

Ayun nga. Hindi ko alam kung ano nga dapat kong maramdaman. Hindi naman ako mayaman para makapunta ng India at samahan sya doon. Masaya ako para sa kanya na baka dumating ang opportunity na iyon kay Luch pero at the same time, hindi ko din maiwasan na malungkot sa idea na he might be away for six months.

Matagal iyon para sa akin. I can't even imagine living a whole week without him. I am attached to Luch in so many ways.

Ayoko malungkot. Sinasabi ng isip ko na maganda ito para kay Luch pero sinasabi ng puso ko na ayaw ko syang umalis. Nahihirapan ako.

At naiiyak na ako ngayon.

Either this November or December, malalaman na namin kung siya nga ang ipapadala sa India. Makakabili na daw siya ng magandang kotse, isa sa kanyang mga long term goal.

Ayokong malungkot. Kailangan nga masaya ako sa balitang iyon. Siguro, ang magagawa ko na lang ay maging isang mas mabuting kasintahan kay Luch. And will just wait for him to come home. Anticipating the time he'll be back.

Ayoko magsulat ng mga ganito. Mahirap eh.

At some point in our lives, we have to choose things that will be better for us in the long run. There will come a point that we'll have to make sacrifices because there will always be something in return that will be better if not best.

Sa pagkakataong ito, ang alam kong mas kailangan namin ay oras at panahon sa isa't-isa. Love will always be there and never forgotten, never lost. But time is one of the intangible things that can never be brought back. Time spent with loved ones.

Come what may Luch pero alam kong alam mo na nandito lang ako. Hihintayin ka kung sakaling aalis ka. At kung ako nga ay maghihitay, bibilangin ko ang mga araw hanggang ikaw ay bumalik. Lalo akong magpapa-pogi at magpapaganda ng katawan. Hehehe. Mag-aaral akong mabuti. Hahanap ako ng trabaho na maipagmamalaki ko. Hindi ako gagawa ng kalokohan. Wala akong gagawin na makakasakit sa ating dalawa. Mahal kita. Mas minamahal kita sa bawat araw na dumadaan.



Nalulungkot lang ako sa sinusulat ko. Ayoko na nga. Dito na muna.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Stenar

Napansin ko lang. Napapadalas na ang aming pag-aaway. Parang kahit na maliliit na bagay, napag-aawayan namin.

People who are in relationships should learn how to change and grow with each other. Hindi ibig sabihin na kapag nakaugalian mo nang gawin yun, hindi ka na kailangan magbago. If you already know na ikaw ay may isang katangian na hindi kanais-nais, that should mean that you should adjust and try to change for the better, for you and your partner.

If he wants you to change your bad habits, so should he.

_______________________________________________________________________

Nakakainis lang.

_______________________________________________________________________

If you're mad over something, don't use other people to be your emotional dumpsite. I understand that you need someone to talk to. And that should be me you should be talking to. I know that you're stressed out already pero huwag mo naman ibuhos ang iba mong galit sa akin.

If I give my opinion, I only mean to give you good advice. I'm not going to insist that you follow that, if you don't want to. 

_______________________________________________________________________

Sometimes, I just want you to think fairly. I want you to be fair. We all think very differently from one another but please be fair, even with Joe.

_______________________________________________________________________

Kung kinakausap kita ng mahinahon at kung ako man ay nagtanong, ang intensyon ko lang ay malaman ang iyong sagot. If you feel like I'm interrogating you, don't. Reply in the same tone and manner if you have something to say. I get hurt easily and you know that. What's the point of interrogating you if I already know the answer, right?

_______________________________________________________________________

That's the thing with me. I get hurt but then I easily let it pass. Why should I bother myself with so much negativity. I hate that I love you too much that I can't even hate you for a long time.

_______________________________________________________________________

If we fight, I want you to talk to me and not give me the cold treatment and treat me like I'm invisible. As much as possible, I want it resolved right away.
_______________________________________________________________________

You know that I detest some of the things that you do. 
_______________________________________________________________________

Mabilis ako magselos. Sa ibang mga ginagawa mo. Alam kong alam mo yan.
_______________________________________________________________________

I can forgive, but I never forget. Never. I can forget the details but never the emotions.
_______________________________________________________________________

Naging masyado na tayong naging komportable sa isa't-isa.
_______________________________________________________________________

If I wrote something like this, it's because I want to tell you that I love you. And that I'm not perfect and I'm flawed as any human being living on Earth. I want us to grow together. I want us to change for the better. I'm trying to do my part. Tell me that you're doing yours too.